Dreams

Today I woke feeling tired. The weather has been cool this week and today felt more winter than spring, so perhaps my body went into hibernation mode. I cleaned the apartment and then read a Dharma book while laying in bed. The master talked of how with the help of dreams he was able to determine and locate the reincarnation of his mother. I then fell asleep and had an unusually strong and vivid dream, one which began pleasantly and then turned quite brutal. I was walking through a city park, green and quiet. I lay down on a bench shaded by large trees. In the distance a group of young men were playing a ball game. In each hand I held a glass pipe and I placed a backpack on the bench next to my legs. I was calm, meditating with the mind, expecting the usual impunity as I have grown accustomed to getting in my day to day life. And then the impunity vanished in an instant and the men who were playing ball had surrounded the bench. One stood near my head and took both pipes from my hand. Another stood near my legs and began violently kicking his leg down on the bench, each thrust of his leg missing my legs by inches. Two others stood behind me, out of sight. I was certain the man who was kicking was soon to be striking my legs and as he continued to knock the bench I recalled the Meditation Master's words from the Dharma book : 

"From this we can see that the principal causes of both happiness and problems are in the mind, not in the external world. If we were able to maintain a calm and peaceful mind all day long, we would never experience any problems or mental suffering. For example, if our mind remains peaceful all the time, then even if we are insulted, criticized, or blamed, or if we lose our job or our friends, we will not become unhappy. No matter how difficult our external circumstances may become, for as long as we maintain a calm and peaceful mind, the situation will not be a problem for us. Therefore, if we wish to be free from problems there is only one thing to do - learn to maintain a peaceful state of mind by practicing Dharma sincerely and purely." 

Surprisingly both my body and mind remained calm while I was being robbed and soon to be beaten. I did not move my body nor did I try to defend myself in any way. I said to the man who was kicking the bench, "it looks like this is going to be a bad karma day for me." He laughed and continued kicking and the others were laughing and jeering. I was expecting my backpack to be taken next but the four of them decided they had had enough fun and they walked away. Immediately after a dark skinned man appeared at the bench and after placing his hands on the top jumped over and slid his body upon my legs.  I slowly got up and smiled at him and said "relax, man, just relax." Instead of getting angry he did relax and he smiled at me. I noticed in the distance the four men who had robbed me, one of them gave me a hard look but I smiled at him and gave him a thumbs up and he then broke into a wide smile and he placed his thumb high into the air. Just then a couple, a man and a woman, approached me, got right into my face. The woman, who had a rather large, green bump on her nose, asked, "you got a car we can use?" I smiled and said "hello, no, I walked here." They had a wild look in their eyes, actually, each person whom I had seen thus far had a wild, demonic appearance. I continued thinking of the Master's words, if I could just keep my mind calm, then, well, I don't know, but I did my best not to panic. I took a closer look at the man and woman's faces, definitely the stuff of nightmares. They surprisingly thanked me and I told them to have a good day. The dark skinned man then got off the bench and he wanted to shake my hand and as I took his hand into mine I noticed that all of his fingers were nubs, missing the tips and nails. Another demon approached and I then woke. 

I realized that in this dream I had temporarily lost the presence of The Great Protector, and thus my ability to walk the city streets with impunity was no longer valid. I was now open to all sorts of nasty circumstances and I saw just how blessed I have been. The dream seemed to be not so much caused by anxiety, but was rather a warning to not take The Great Protector's presence in my life for granted, to stop wasting my time on frivolous activities and instead spend my precious remaining time meditating. What a wake up call!

Two White Roses

At the beginning of my walk this morning two long stemmed white roses appeared at my feet. I picked them off the ground, inhaled the intoxicating scent and carried them with me so that I could offer them to the Jewel Tree at the Pier along with the usual offering of rice. When I arrived at the Pier I took notice how the spring season had filled in the landscape with soothing tints of green. I made mental offerings to the tree then approached and noticed that the Pink Angel had also made an offering in white, rich white flowers surrounding a center circle of golden fairy dust. I laid the two white roses horizontally and spread the rice amidst the golden dust. I made my wish and then walked to the track and did the usual sprints and exercises. The feeling of weightlessness had returned which made the sprinting reps fun and quick. I decided to extend the distance from 120 meters to 250 meters. Pull-ups, push-ups and dips are also getting easier due to the peculiar sensation of lightness. No doubt the reduction in food intake the past 30 days has had something to do with this, along with eradicating most sugary foods.

After the track session I walked to the local beach, along the way I passed a group of three people relaxing on the stone steps of the pathway and they noticed my passing and two of them blessed me with big beautiful smiles and shouts of glee. This is nothing unusual due to my personal karma, a combination of an ugly body and a mind trying to tame itself. I'm currently reading a book of dharma and the chapter on anger struck me hard in the face. The meditation master stated that a person who in a previous lifetime was afflicted with great anger would be reborn as an ugly human or animal. Having an acutely ugly body it makes logical sense that I must have done something horribly wrong at some point in the distant past. The good news is that in this lifetime I have learned to tame some of my anger and have so far refused to water the seeds of this powerful force of negative energy. I am becoming convinced that I am a first level human who needs to accumulate as much wisdom as possible before graduating to a higher plane of humanity. During the past year my mind has begun to steep itself in bits and pieces of wisdom, made possible with the help and assistance of the Jewel Trees. In my youth I in no way imagined that in my old age I'd be making daily pilgrimages to Jewel Trees, that my selfhood would be obliterated prior to the destruction of my body, that my mind would become inhabited by someone I had yet to meet, and this new mind would then migrate into a new existence after a shorter or longer period of training.

21

A satisfying, energetic, surprising day, filled with things which only the Great Protector can decipher and understand. I started the day in the usual way, walking to the Jewel Tree at the Pier and unfortunately I forgot to bring the rice offering and when the beautiful sparrow hopped close, looking up at me and sending its thoughts, I was sad when I had to tell it that I forgot the rice. I decided to give a tree branch and mental offerings and then walked to the track where I had a relatively easy time with sprinting and muscle exercises. I stopped at the local beach and sat on the log and a beautiful black and tan German Shepherd sauntered over to me and pressed its face against mine as I noticed its expression turning from defensive to open and trusting. 

I walked home and discovered my energy was still high so I decided to walk to the Island Hill to run repeats. I remembered to bring the rice offering for the Jewel Tree at the beach and to inspire myself I decided that if I could put in a strong, exhausting effort on the Hill I would treat myself to a chocolate milk and a mint chocolate Clif bar. The day was warm and sunny and when I arrived at the Hill I was happy that my energy was still hanging around. The top of the hill was windy but this did not bother me much and my leg strength was good. As I ran I once again recalled my days at Blackwell Hill, especially the year 1987, which was the summer when I would try to run and exercise on Saturdays from sun up to sun down. The final hours of the day were spent running the Hill.  One Saturday in particular made a strong impression when I ran more than 20 repeats and when I finished and was sitting in the car with the sun going down I felt a peculiar mix of complete exhaustion and complete strength. A terrifically strong relaxation in both body and mind coursed through me and I felt at ease and happy, which was rare. Years later that day would convince me that running was the best kind of meditation for my particular circumstances and karma. 

Memories of that special day filled my mind while running the Hill today and when I was at the seventh repeat my body was not slowing down but my mind wanted to stop, most likely out of habit and also caution, not wanting to stress my sensitive knees. I learned in 1987 that if I cut the run short from fear of injury then I may as well already be injured so I threw caution into the strong wind and continued to push myself. My body felt oddly light, almost weightless, and when I reached the top at repeat 10 a flock of geese flying in formation crested the hill just as I was, they were quite close and the unusual perspective made me stop and admire their awesome flight. As I reached 11, 12, 13, another old habit of mind returned, I told myself "One more, just one more," and this continued for the remaining repeats. And so it went, 15, 16, 17. "That's it, 17 is a good effort and a fine result," but my body was not tired, not slowing down, and I realized I could reach my Holy Grail of Hill running, the 20 spot. "One more set, and then it's just one more and then I will have earned that chocolate milk." When I reached #20 the old superstition from 1987 kicked in, that it was better to end on an odd number and so I finished with 21 and then walked to the beach and made my offering to the Jewel Tree.  I waded into the cool water of the lake to soak my feet, skipped stones, sat in meditation beneath the Jewel Tree. 

The walk home was a bit rough, my back and shoulders were tight and I self massaged as I walked and when I reached Burnham Harbor I saw a middle aged fisherman in a white floppy cap angling on the pathway and when I passed close by I recognized his face, it was Dan Bernstein, a Chicago sports radio legend, someone I have listened to for over twenty years. Dan is known to be an avid fisherman and I was incredibly lucky to pass so close to greatness. I could not resist speaking and I said without breaking stride "I love your radio show, Dan." He turned to me and blessed me with a big beautiful smile and replied "Haha, thank you!" "Good luck today." "I already had my luck!" I was 15 yards beyond him and I heard his parting shot "But you know it's all skill!"

I stopped at the market and bought a chocolate milk and sat at an outdoor table and let the cold drink soothe my aching muscles as the sun was dipping into the city horizon, reflected on all that splendid glass and steel, many suns shining brightly down upon me as my shoulders began to loosen and a natural sort of happiness and relaxation descended upon me.

Childhood

Yesterday reminded me of childhood, being outdoors under a bright warm sun, active, moving, running, walking. The body filled with light and not much food. Out of necessity I am eating less, coming close to experiencing real hunger. Amazingly good karma that throughout my years there has not been a single day where I experienced true hunger, not knowing where the next meal will be coming from, such an absurd reality when so many have no access to food. I can sense in the sparse meals I am eating that my body is adapting, having to focus on less and using this smaller amount to extract what it needs to survive and thrive. Perhaps the decrease in food is the reason my energy levels the past few weeks has been higher than normal, reminding me of when I was a child, going going going without the body slowing down.  

As I said, yesterday was a day of recreated childhood, wandering about, experiencing a sense of deep freedom. I left the house at 6:30am and walked/ran to the track, did the usual exercises and sprints. I then walked/ran to the Island Hill and ran repeats up and down. When I returned home at noon a friend requested I visit and I agreed, after a small lunch and shower I walked 4 miles to her home, which is a mile south of the University of Illinois. Late in the day I walked home and realized I was in trouble, knowing I had overdone it, my legs were going to be sore the next day. 

Upon awaking this morning, after a deep and lush nine hour sleep, my energy was high and when I did my stretching routine realized my legs were not sore at all. So I walked to the Jewel Tree at Navy Pier, made my offering (the Pink Angel had returned, her offering was pink and white flowers with numerous bright red strawberries placed in a sacred geometric pattern), and then walked to the track where I did my usual sprinting and exercises. My legs felt strong and fresh, how? I wanted to walk to the Island Hill but decided at the last moment not to, better to take it easy so I stopped at the local beach where I sat on a log and let the cool wind massage my face. My body is beginning to resemble my 12 year old self, skinny, no muscles, just a mass of energy and light. 

The White Feather

This morning I walked downtown to the city chess club to check up on a friend's tournament progress and then I walked to Northerly Island to run the hill. I felt a rare, youthful strength in my legs and arms and I could perceive little difference between running Blackwell Hill in 1986 and running the Island Hill in 2024. I lost count of the reps, but halfway through, as I was descending and starting to feel tired, I looked up into the sky and saw a white feather also descending, slowly. It landed next to me and I picked it up and thought of Billy Mills epic Olympic 10k race. I sensed the feather was a gift from the Great Protector so I placed it in my Sox cap and continued on with the run. As I completed the final reps I decided to offer the feather to the Jewel Tree at the beach. The feather indeed gave me strength and protection and when I returned home my energy had not waned so I refilled the water bottle and walked/ran to the track for the normal exercise routine of muscle reps and sprints.

 

Historically a white feather was used, mainly in Britain, to shame men into joining the military during both world wars. If a male was seen out of uniform a woman would offer him a white feather as a way of expressing contempt for his cowardice, so in European culture to receive a white feather was a great insult. I won't deny the power of public shaming, an individual human, especially a human in the slave class, has little chance of survival if kicked out of the hive, so conformity and obedience are the qualities a slave must possess. My low status among the slaves has up to now given me good protection from shaming and peer pressure. I have experienced multiple instances of shaming in order to get me to conform, but having little to lose -  no group of friends, no money, no future - meant shaming me had little consequence. I know I can easily be broken, though, through physical and mind torture, so it is not that I am strong, I have just been lucky. 

Today's white feather, not given to me by a British belle during a war-time propaganda blitz, can perhaps go beyond being a symbol for cowardice. I doubt the Great Protector is taunting me, so I can entertain other possible meanings. I can't deny the feather had a positive impact on my day and I was happy to offer it to the Jewel Tree.

Crows and Smiles

I woke at 3:30am and decided to walk to the Navy Pier Jewel Tree to watch the sunrise. On the walk home I took the usual route through the marina and when I made the turn to walk east in the pedestrian alley a swarm of crows began to bark and I was surprised to discover it was me who was their target. They followed me the full length (quarter mile) of the alley and when I made the turn into the southbound alley they continued to watch and follow me. Three of the crows worked in tandem, one circling me, another veering to my right and the third dropping from a tree and descending directly at my head. I did not alter my gait or speed and I tried to remain mentally relaxed, although when I exited the alley I could sense tension in my shoulders. The rational explanation is I had entered their mating/nesting territory, but the times I have been warned off territory was from red winged blackbirds and never crows. I suspected another reason they were following me but could not discern what it might be.

 

I have just returned from an evening walk at the lake. When I was entering the lake path three women hesitated at the path intersection, turned their faces toward me and decided to walk in my direction. They were 50 feet away so I had plenty of time to move to the edge of the path. As we passed they showered great attention toward me and I sensed it was positive attention because the woman in the lead blessed me with a tremendously bright smile and words which I did not hear clearly. My mind and body remained relaxed and I said without breaking stride "you girls are great." 

When I was given my spirit name one of the external changes I noticed were people's smiles, particularly when directed at me. None of these passing strangers knew who I was or anything about my history, yet I was constantly being blessed with radiant, sun-bright smiles. What had changed, was I only now noticing the smiles, which were there all along, or was I receiving more smiles than in the past? No matter, I always feel grateful when I am blessed by someone's smile. I try my best to return the smile, knowing all the while it is not as shining or beautiful, and in that sense I don't deserve such blessings. 

Follow the Moon

The past few weeks have been unusual, my aging body at times appears to be disintegrating into a fine mesh infused with light so I am surprised when day after day my energy generator grasps the ladder of youth. As I walk and run I sense an old body feeding on a power which is outside itself and all I can do is wonder why and not to waste a rare opportunity to run while feeling like a 25 year old. 

Today I could not contain the energy so I ran to the Jewel Tree at Navy Pier. I stood in my usual spot 25 feet away from the tree, giving mind offerings as I gazed at water and sky. I noticed the beautiful sparrow had returned, he stood still, 5 feet away, sending me his thoughts. I bowed to him and walked to the tree, the bird hopping along with me, and dropped rice on the ground. As I walked away I watched as he started eating and soon three other sparrows had joined him. 

This evening my energy was good so I decided to walk to the lake and I ended up at Burnham Harbor sitting on a log which is shaded by three trees. I faced south looking out over the harbor. A nearby lamppost had a pleasing yellow glow. I became quite calm, mind and body relaxed as I watched bikers, runners and walkers go by as the sun began to set. Memories of past examples of my social deficiencies arose and I thought of the few parties I had gone to in my youth. I focused on the ones in which I had felt the most uncomfortable to go along with my sense of social shame. I could not comprehend how I am disconnected from the minds of others. I mused that I was from another planet, or perhaps this was my first time being a human and so have little in common with humans who are in possession of more advanced incarnations. I noticed a friendly presence approaching my secluded spot high on the hill. I watched as he walked directly in my direction and stopping in front of me I welcomed him with a smile. He nodded and smiled and asked if he could sit with me. I agreed and moved to the edge of the log but he decided to sit on the grass. He told me his name was Kyle and when he asked mine I had a second or two to decide which name to use, my slave name or spirit name. Recognizing Kyle was a spirit presence I answered with "Francis." Kyle told me he is a 25 year old mill worker from Indiana. "Iron or flour?" I asked. He laughed, "I'm going to a secret Harry Potter party tonight." I looked at him and tried to determine if he was dressed as a Potter character. He pulled a red vajra from his pack, it was made of wood and wrapped in various materials. "I made this for the party." "It will protect you and will also attract women." "Haha, you are right!" He told me about his wanderings, traversing through Oregon and Washington state, Portland. "I lived in Eugene two years, I spent a couple weeks up in Portland, I became addicted to running twenty milers in Forest Park." "I liked doing 20 milers there, too." He told me about his ex-fiance who cheated on him. I was enjoying Kyle's presence but as abruptly as he came he departed. As he started to walk down the hill toward the lake I said "Have a good time at the secret party tonight, Kyle." "Thanks, Francis," he turned to face me and asked "If you were me, which way would you go?" I looked left, then right. "Follow the Moon."  "I like that!" He paused, turned left, stopped, turned to his right and then started walking. 

 

40 years

Yesterday evening I decided to walk to Northerly Island and run the hill while the sun was setting. When I arrived I recalled running the hill at Blackwell 40 years ago. It was then I discovered the importance of running and relating with a hill, the mind and body are put to tests more severe than usual and this leads to physical and spiritual growth, especially faith.  I ran the hill 9 times and at the top, during the middle reps, a girl dressed in black danced to silent music. 

This morning I arose at 3:30am and meditated 40 minutes, then walked to the Jewel Tree at Navy Pier to make an offering and watch the sun rise. When I dropped the rice onto the ground I saw that someone had placed numerous coins and small purple flowers inside the sunflower ring. When I returned home I made a breakfast of rice, beans, eggs and spinach, then napped a few hours. This afternoon my energy was good so I walked to the track and did the usual running and exercise routine.

Sparrow

This morning I went to the food market and purchased avocados, mango, eggs, beans, rice. Walked to the Navy Pier Jewel Tree and was pleased to see that the sunflower ring was still present and radiant. Prior to making my offering of rice and pink flower petals I stood 25 feet from the tree, facing east, making mental offerings and taking in the splendid view. A sparrow landed close by and I noticed that its main interest was me, as it was continuously hopping closer while gazing at my presence. I read its thoughts, it was here for my rice. I nodded to the beautiful bird and walked to the tree and made my offering. A few moments later the sparrow was eating a rice breakfast underneath the Jewel Tree.

I ran to the track and did the usual exercises. Now I am pleasantly satiated with avocado, eggs, rice and beans.

Rain

I stepped out for my evening walk tonight and a strong rain began, I didn't mind getting wet and the normally busy walkways on a Saturday night were mostly empty. When I reached the marina the yellow light bulbs strung in the trees were reflected on the walkway and I was reminded of a run in Chiang Mai I did in 2012. It was near the end of my three month stay in that city and a storm blew in at dusk and I decided to run to the exercise gardens and as I ran west on the street leading to the grounds the sun was brilliantly reflected in the falling water droplets and a golden light shimmered on the road and in the rising steam. I remember thinking it was such an extraordinary run because of the rain and hoping that the memory of it would remain with me.

A pot of rice is now cooking on the stove and the rain has stopped. This afternoon I walked/ran to Northerly Island and ran the hill. A young couple were relaxing on a blanket at the top and when the man gave me a smile as I ran past I stopped to tell him the bad news that I would be running repeats and he quickly replied "don't worry we will keep our clothes on," which made his girlfriend and I laugh. I did 5 repeats and cut it short because I wanted to give the couple the privacy they deserved. I then walked to the beach and sat beneath the Jewel Tree and then meditated on a boulder with my feet relaxing in the cool lake water. 

Sunflowers

Yesterday morning I tested the leg on my walk and it was 90% recovered so I decided to do the usual run and exercise routine at the lake and track. At Lakeshore East Park I was gazing at flowers and when I saw red and purple petals on the ground I decided that I could offer these, along with my baggie of rice, to the Wish-fulfilling Jewel Tree at Navy Pier, which I pass on the way to the track. I placed the petals into the baggie and when I approached the tree I was pleasantly surprised to see a shining bunch of fresh sunflower heads beautifully arranged on the ground at the base of the tree. I imagined the Pink Angel arriving just before me to make the offering. The red petals I had were a striking contrast to the yellow and green heads and I placed them carefully in front along with the rice. I then made a mental offering to the Tree and I allow myself one wish. 

 

Today I plan to run the hill at Northerly Island, it looks to be a mild day, not too windy, if my leg is 90% I will attempt it.

Try...Don't Try

It is evening, a pot of rice cooking, the sound of city traffic passes endlessly through the window. I tried to walk this morning but an unusual thigh ache prevented me, so I walked around the park once and returned home. I tried to relax, read pages from Path of the Bodhisattva. Napped. Energy is good so I try a late afternoon hike and the leg ache was only slight so I ran bursts along the lake and did the usual exercise routine at the track. On the walk home not many people are out, I reminisce about my time spent in Tropical Asia, where night activity is normal and safe. Here, in Chicago, not many venture out after dark, at least not for strolling about, and I know that my own boldness for doing so is reckless. I try to stay relaxed in body and mind, remain alert to the dangers which may emerge from the shadows. I appear to walk and run with impunity, but I know better, I have just been lucky and so try to remember to thank the Great Protector. 

 

I was close to home, approaching the stairs which lead up to my home street or down to the park and I decided I wanted to go down and walk an additional mile along the river and through the park. When I reached the stair intersection I turned left to go down and at that moment I see 2, 3, 5, 8, 15....children, all children, walking 3 abreast up the stairs. I gazed down to the river and saw that the line of children ascending was greater than 100. As I stood to the side waiting for this colorful and happy mass of youth to pass I thought of the Great Protector, not by name but by the idea which formed in my mind - that I was not to go down to the river park, that was wrong, the correct path is up the stairs and onto the street. I knew not to ignore such musings so I faithfully turned around and went up and as I walked the street it occurred to me that either death or life could be waiting, out there somewhere. I got chilled then and braced myself, there was nothing I could do, nothing I could now say, so relaxed, smiling.