Then and Now

Then I smiled and 
you said it's because I'm soon gone,
but I knew the Truth was distant, 
I was smiling for the dawn.

Now I'm far beyond and 
you are long gone a memory to haunt,
just me alone in the dark 
with Truth smiling grim and gaunt.

 

 

Becoming My Grandfather

I am losing the ability to write. I am losing the ability to run. I am losing the ability to walk. My body and mind have entered the death bardos. I believe I have been wandering in this bardos for at least one year.  Spending the past year continually going beyond, there is one thing which I still possess but had forgotten about, and as I soon meet the beyond it will be required that I rely on something other than myself.

Last week I was sitting on a park bench at dusk, relaxed, motionless, still. I was wearing the ball cap which was gifted to me posthumously by my grandfather. I recall a memory of him walking my sister and I to a park and as we played he sat motionless on a bench, smoking a cigar in silence and peace. I am now become him, old, dying, silent, at peace. 

Today, sitting under the tree, I was like a seed which had dropped upon the ground, with the potential to become a massive presence of calm and peace. Time, the sequential kind, is what makes things seem long and hard, but isn't it possible that time has other dimensions which gives one a faded taste of future happenings? Somewhere in time I have grown into something solid and tall, and today was my first step to getting there.   - Saturday, May 25, 2013 The Tree 

Shame - A Letter to Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for sharing the dream, I had a dream about a dog a few weeks ago which left an impression. The following morning as I was walking downtown I saw what looked to be the same dog being walked by a female across the street from where I stood. As I walked along I gazed at the dog continuously. I lost sight of it and thought that was the end of it but a few blocks later I am waiting at a corner light and the dog and owner cross the street heading in my direction. The dog was staring at me and seemed intent to visit with me and I stared in disbelief. I petted the dog like an old friend and told the owner I dreamt of the dog the previous night :)

Something occurred over the weekend which has left me surprised and somewhat in shock (in a good way). In November I decided to do a pilgrim walk, although when I decided to do it I did not know what a pilgrim walk was and what I was supposed to do. I also needed to choose a route and distance/time. The details worked themselves out while I was on the path during the initial weeks, there was to be two routes, east (8 miles) and west (10 miles) (in Chicago), time spent walking unknown. I walked everyday during the winter months, when it was below zero I liked it because I was one of the few pedestrians on the streets, the same with rain and snow. I sensed changes within as the weeks and miles went by. The routes each had a living patron saint (just as likely to insult as smile), and each had its home-base. I began to manifest what could be called psychic abilities (dreams were manifesting within weeks or days of a dream's occurrence), and I began to communicate with birds using images in my mind (crows were one of the protector entities for the walk.) I made rice and mandarin offerings when possible. I was given one wish per visit to the Wishing Tree, the same wish (to experience the wisdom leaf of smiling) being made 95% of the days spent walking (115).

I soon discovered that walking a pilgrim path is not the same as walking a pleasure path. Although I would have preferred the daily walks to be pleasant and relaxed, more often than not I was battling both external and internal demons. I began to "wai" to people and things (e.g.,the owl statuary in Greektown) when it seemed appropriate and done mostly without forethought. Surprisingly everything I wai'ed took it well enough, considering I rarely see anyone wai in Chicago. I wai'd especially to the Greektown saint, a bearded man who enjoyed throwing mad words into the wind. On day 42 I was walking along the path when next to my face appeared a talisman/amulet, secured to a tree branch by a shining golden band. It slipped easily off the branch and into my left palm, which is where I held it for the remaining days of the walk.

By the final week of the walk I had completed my confrontation with a hitherto unknown demon in my psyche - shame. All of the many shameful things in my life melted into a hot ball of steam and that intensely negative energy began to feed the golden flower at the center of my being, just like compost nourishing a garden, dark energy into light. On one of the final walks I experienced color blindness and on the penultimate day I crested the hill at the pier, and, no one being around, I harnessed all of that shameful dark energy and primal screamed it into the void of sky and water. The next day I walked to the Wishing Tree and offered the amulet, and as I did so realized that I had safely carried it from one tree to another. I threaded it into a cloth fabric ring which the Pink Angel had tied around the tree. A great relief washed over me and it was easy to let everything go and be free.

In this post-walk glow of intense satisfaction and relaxation I returned to the tree daily, not as pilgrim, but as common mortal with little to do. Weeks passed and the amulet remained secured to the tree even though at some point the cloth ring had been removed. Imagining the amulet to now be gone (along with the cloth ring), I stood beside the tree as the sun rose and out of the corner of my eye the tree was emitting a sparkling glow and I looked and saw the amulet, attached now to the tree itself. I wondered how long and for what reason the amulet was to stay attached to the tree.

This past Friday I walked to the tree as usual and I noticed something was different - the trees surrounding the wishing tree were glowing pink with blossoming flowers, some of which were scattered on the early spring grass. A winter of ice and snow, wind and rain, and now a short and sweet burst of color and warmth to cheer the day! I walked to the track and did the usual exercises and the day was warm so I wore shorts for the first time. I wandered to the beach and sat on the rocks and smoked and relaxed peacefully. The sand and water lush and full and I walked into the water when I was warm and soaked my legs and head in the cold water. I returned to the rocks and fell into a smiling dream state. And then she appeared...

In the distance was empty beach, calming water, and the jagged lines of tall buildings. A young woman walked into the scene, passed the mid-point walking direct to the shore, passing me 40 yards distant, and then, unexpectedly, stopped, turned to me in an awkward stance... and... smiled. She changed course and was walking towards me and the rocks, smiling, always smiling. She was now standing directly before me and continued to smile. "Can you show me your very best secret spot for smoking weed?" Not ready or in the mood for intense debate, I opened up my pack and handed her my green metallic weed container, thinking she had asked me for weed to smoke. She sat beside me on the rocks and I was relaxed, smiling, and she seemed quite content as she smoked and smiled, and then she asked a question which no one had ever asked me before. "Are you spiritual?" Having recently completed a 115 day pilgrim walk I was in the unique position to answer her with a very confident and wide-eyed "I am, very much so! Are you?" She answered in the affirmative and told me she was psychic and had animal encounters and I realized this person was possibly a manifestation of a spirit guide.The time spent together on the rocks was relaxed, easy, like in the...Pure Land....calm, confident, smiling and happy. And she, MiKayla, smiled at me continuously like I was a fucking movie star, I could sense her attraction pulling at me, she was just like the birds, magnetized to my presence. And the birds visited us and landed at our feet and this pleased MiKayla so I took crackers from my pack and fed the birds and it went on like this for an hour and through discussion and insight it occurred to me that the reason the amulet was still hanging on the tree was because it had been waiting for MiKayla's hand and so we walked to the Wishing Tree together, trees filled with flower and spring scent, an auspicious sign. MiKayla was allowing her body to press on mine as we walked and her red hair shone in the sun and then she covered it with a soft lime green handkerchief, reminding me of a Celtic peasant. It was then I saw that she was beautiful, too beautiful to be human, surely she was a manifested spirit. She then mentioned something about her shame and this caused my insides to crack because the pilgrim walk had washed away my shame and I replied heavily "I too have a lot of shame...." ...and she said stunningly "then you and me, we are exactly alike.....'  and this made me smile because earlier I had mentioned Dr King, my philosophy professor, saying he did not know if God existed but he thought that if we were allowed a glimpse into each others minds we would discover that we were the same.

We stood next to the Wishing Tree together and my lone mandarin offering from earlier in the morning was resting in the shade of the tree. I unhooked the amulet from the tree, the amulet which had been in my left palm for so many intense days, and now it, as offering, was finally accepted by MiKayla, a manifestation of the wisdom leaf of smiling 😀

There is more to the story but this is all I can write about tonight and I know this type of subject/experience is not in your interests so thank you for reading/listening. I tried writing Elke last week about my experiences but did not get far.  Tell Jinxin, Audrey, and Carol I say hello :) ♥️

Pilgrimage Summary

When I visited the wishing tree a few days after completion of the pilgrimage the cloth which the Pink Angel had tied to the tree had vanished. The cloth was attached to the tree at the beginning of the pilgrimage and had remained until the finish. I was grateful for its presence for it was a consistent source of inspiration because it reminded me of the Pink Angel and the miracles and magic I have experienced since discovering the wishing tree. On the final day of the pilgrimage I walked to the tree and attached the clear jewel, which had been attached to my left hand for more than two months, to the cloth, so when the cloth went missing I guessed that the clear jewel was also gone. I stood beside the now empty tree facing east, watching the sun rise over the lake. As I turned to leave I noticed the tree emanating a shining light at eye level so I looked for the source and was surprised to see that the clear jewel was now attached to the east side of the tree. The golden fabric, which I had used to secure the jewel to my hand during the pilgrimage, was tied to a small protrusion of bark which held the jewel firmly in place. As of yesterday the clear jewel was still attached to the tree.

At the beginning of my walking journey four months ago I recall writing that I did not know what a pilgrimage was and so I was going to have to discover the meaning while walking upon the path myself. The pilgrimage now complete I will attempt to summarize my experience :

*Having walked my first pilgrimage during a late stage of life I was able to utilize physical and mental methods I had accumulated from years of experience in various activities. Training for and participating in ultra-marathons was an excellent preparatory exercise for a walking pilgrimage. The many books I have read were also helpful, especially the four books which described the experiences of people who walked a long distance path. The books detailed the physical experiences but unclear to me was how these walks differed from normal, everyday hikes. 

*Ideas about the walk came to me spontaneously during time spent upon the path, such as the need for a home-base, to carry the clear jewel at all times, and to offer it to the tree upon completion of the walk. 

*Not surprising, the hardest parts were the beginning and ending. The long middle was certainly challenging but momentum gained each day helped carry me along in relative ease and comfort.  The ending brought upon me a temporary madness which was the final and most arduous trial of the walk. When the path ended it seemed like I had just passed through fire and ice, a war-zone of the spirit. Having survived this trial and everything else encountered upon the path a great peace and relaxation settled into me which remains today.

*As for the meaning of the walk and what being a pilgrim entails, enter the path and discover the awesome answers while walking upon it. I don't regret the experience even though it was difficult and dangerous, it strengthened my faith and that alone makes it worthwhile.

No More Wishes

This morning I completed the final segment of the pilgrim path which I began on November 15, 2024, making the amount of time spent upon it 115 days. In relation to time, walking the path was equal to my 2018-19 SE Asian journey, where I wrote 115 daily travel entries in this blog, which is a curious synchronicity. 

Last night the voice revealed that the pilgrim path had been completed and this made me feel great relief and joy. Walking this particular pilgrim path, the east and west Chicago routes, was challenging throughout, reminding me of running an ultra-marathon when moving forward becomes increasingly more difficult to sustain as darkness and pain descend upon body and mind. The final week of the walk I descended into deep pits of memory which culminated in losing my color vision. I was unsure how long such negative events were to last and for what purpose, if any. Day after day my mind was heaped with shame upon shame dredged from the darkest and most hidden parts of my psyche. To survive such an assault I brought into focus my dual experiences of wandering in SE Asia and training for and participating in ultra-marathons. I'd finally reached the end point, the precipice, the part of the race where things begin shutting down and yet the feet keep moving forward. Time, hours and minutes, feels heavy and burdensome, passing entities cannot help and some hinder and obstruct so that I am always on razor's edge. Then it happens, something unwinds, releases, letting go of all that bundled energy, REALLY LET GO! I was at the pier as evening approached, up on the hill facing east and nobody was near so I gathered up that energy and let out a primal scream which emptied into the vast waters and sky. Then I laughed and watched as the energy was expunged into glorious open space.

That was the it, the all, the end of walking the pilgrim path. I lay in bed last night feeling strange relief, a lightness and sense of ease coursing through me. To what end had I walked it, I wondered? No worries, I no longer cared, all I wanted to do now was nothing, no where to be and no one to see. 

I rose this morning feeling light and energized and decided to walk to the wishing tree. I smiled easily as I breezed along, no longer burdened with the struggles of the path. I just existed, in the here and now, hoping not to be a nuisance and just breathe in the air. When I arrived at the tree I was struck with the realization that this was the day to offer the amulet of the golden flower which was gifted to me on December 26th, 42 days into the pilgrim walk. The talisman/amulet I wore everyday on my left hand, its golden ring of fabric always bright and shining. The clear jewel was held snug in my palm and the four minor jewels wrapped around the hand. When exercising the jewels would dig into the flesh, a stinging reminder of it's protection and I was grateful. From the first days of clutching it was obvious I was to offer it to the wishing tree - "This clear jewel is to be offered in future after having served its purpose. I pray I will know when that is." 

And so it was, as I stood this morning in the deep shadow of the wishing tree, I offered the final segment of the pilgrim walk, which was now complete, and removed the amulet from my wrist and stood looking at the tree determining how to secure it. I gazed at the thick fabric tied around the tree and the two red roses, which were still held in place. I reached high and slipped the jewel between fabric and tree and gently encircled the red rose petals with the golden fabric. I stepped back then and smiled, a cool ease settling into my being. Whatever had been clamped inside my mind was now released and I made my wish - my wish is to have no more wishes.

Phoenix! Hey, Sage Phoenix

What do I know. Nothing. At all. I follow a path narrow and steep with precipice a footfall away, all I can do is abide the way. It is terrifying at times, in times like these. 

Two days ago on the westward path I had the sensation that my eyes lost their ability to see vibrant color, or, any color at all. I was walking east into downtown, a gravelly mist hovering about with the sun soon to be gone and suddenly I was horrified, startled beyond belief, everywhere my eyes gazed was white, black or gray. Sky - white. Buildings - white, gray and black. Cars - white, gray and black. I thought perhaps, wished it to be so, that it was a momentary glitch in the matrix of my mind, or perhaps an unforgettable moment of synchronicity. Minutes passed and as I continued to walk the general complexion of the scene remained the same. I feared I had gone colorblind, but no, LOOK, a bright red car! Then blocks of black and white and then an orange signboard, a color so ripe and pure it melted into the surrounding miasma giving it a ghoulish glow. Somehow, somewhere, the scene of desolation gave way to more cheerful moments and then I was almost, almost, back to normal upon reaching my abode.

The overall atmosphere of the city is one of contraction upon contraction, looping indefinitely. I get a sense of dreadful foreboding reaching deep into my bones, and then I unleash a wicked laugh, a laughter so perverse it startles my ears. I can't help it, I am now laughing at things I normally would not notice at all, all is laughter, the laughter of going mad! Mad with grief, mad with desire, mad with energy! It pulsates in body, mind and spirit. The warrior spirit has awakened, not only in the external world, but in me. I too, I now realize, am a spiritual warrior, and it paints its full expression in the external, material reality we call life. I am dejected that I am too old to follow the way which the ready-to-explode youth will lead.

And the shame. I am overcome with great shame. I see all too clearly my human weaknesses, so many I blush crimson when I think of them. So useless, such a useless life I have lived. All for what? A few pleasures of sense, a health rosy and full, all is fine in the world. Until one day it occurs that it is not right, not true. Day and night, birth and death.  Death so skillfully out of sight, what was pain and cruelty in the distant past today is ease and plenty. What if, suddenly, it was swept away as if by a great flood, a flood of blood and warfare beyond comprehension. Then the laughter starts again and all goes quiet. 

"Life and death are inevitable. Heaven gives them the constancy of day and night. And we can't alter any of it - it all belongs to the very nature of things. If we honor heaven as our father and love it deeply, imagine honoring something that transcends heaven. If we honor a ruler as our sovereign and offer up our lives for him, imagine honoring something truer than any ruler."
Chuang Tzu

 

Kiwano, Mandarins and Tamarind

The Pink Angel has returned. 

At the beginning of the winter season the Pink Angel no longer made offerings at the wishing tree. The area surrounding the tree was fenced off from the public during much of this time so perhaps that had something to do with her absence. I missed her presence and also the blessings which her offerings conferred. I continued to make offerings during this time and I was glad that part of the Pink Angel's final offering of the autumn season was still intact - thick strips of cloth tied around the tree at the height of seven feet. Seeing the cloth reminds me of her presence and inspires me to continue visiting the tree. A few weeks ago two long stem red roses appeared at my feet while walking the beach and I decided to offer them to the wishing tree. Instead of placing the roses on the ground at the base of the tree I decided to secure them to the tree using the cloth strips. Each time I returned to the tree the two roses were surprisingly still intact and fresh with red petals and green leaves preserved. 

Two days ago, March 1, I woke at 3:30 am and thoughts of the Pink Angel appeared in my mind, revealing to me that she would be returning soon, so I decided to walk to the tree as the sun was rising. Upon arriving I saw that the Pink Angel had indeed returned. A fresh offering was at the base of the tree - a horned, orange kiwano, two mandarins, 10-15 brown tamarind pods and exotic, tiny red flowers which the strong winds had already begun to scatter. The two red roses were still attached to the strips of cloth. I made my usual mental offerings and then scattered rice among the fruit and flowers.

I returned to the tree yesterday as the sun was rising and with few clouds in the sky the sun was directly in my face rising low on the vast blue lake. I raised my hands to shield the bright morning light and in doing so my hands went into a triangle formation with the sun floating in the open space, the light shining directly onto my forehead, nourishing the golden flower. I recognized the famous occult symbol, the all-seeing eye and pyramid. The sphere and its rays resting snug inside the space between my hands, I noticed another symbol appearing, the sun cross. It occurred to me that sunrise on March 21, the vernal equinox, would be a day in which to experience immense sun power. I realized this could be one reason that special day holds important significance for the sun cults. 

The past week while on the westward pilgrim path I continued to make contact with the coyote master. Instead of a flesh and blood coyote the coyote master appeared on an outdoor wall mural which I had not seen or noticed prior to this week. Without consciously trying I daily passed the mural, I would be reciting Amitabha Buddha or gazing at the light and shadows of the day and then I would gaze upwards and see the bigger-than-life coyote master meditating on the wall. 

Walking the pilgrim path my mind is slowly gaining in powers which are called psychic. Along with materialization, I am now beginning to connect with things without physical speech or presence. I commune with birds and dogs in mind only which magnetizes them to my physical body and when they are pulled close there is a joyous energy which circulates between us. People appear surprised when their pet dog makes contact with my presence, and it surprises me, too.

Descent

Today I again crossed ways with the path master disguised as a coyote. Instead of the lake shore he was now sitting in a private green yard directly on the waterfront at the canal. I was walking alone on the narrow walkway and having nowhere comfortable to sit left bread crumbs in case the master was hungry.

I have now lived long enough to reach a time line where the dark energy of imminent war bursts unannounced inside one's mind and not only war but a descent into the black claustrophobic terror room of totalitarianism. High technology abounds, a technology created to control, torture, and kill. I don't like to ponder it too deeply and counter my fears by contacting the birds which pass me on the path. The crows then appear and remind me to stay strong in body and faith. 

"Just let your mind wander along in the drift of things. Trust yourself to what is beyond you - let it be the nurturing center. Then you've made it. In the midst of all this, is there really any response? Nothing can compare to simply living out your inevitable nature. And there's nothing more difficult."
Chuang Tzu

Coyote

Today I walked the Wishing Tree path and as I left the track I crossed paths with a meditation master disguised as a coyote. I was on the lake shore and the master sat quietly on the ice next to the water. I felt inspired to sit and found a comfortable resting place and faced the master, twenty yards distant. The master looked at me and I looked at the master. 

I am discovering that while walking the path I am utilizing things James did and learned in his life. Lessons learned from long distance running help me to navigate the cold winter landscape of Chicago. Little did James know that the training was to serve more than race participation. When studying James' various haphazard activities I keep returning to the one year period of his meditation studies. What James experienced during that time increases my faith and determination to return to the secret place he discovered. A meditation master once scolded James for entertaining the idea of trying to return to experiences of the past. Perhaps the master is correct, even so, wanting to return to that exhilarating space of freedom and bliss, how can that be a bad thing? If I can get close to that place my inner life would be transformed into something solid, steady, joyful, and authentic. And so, odd as it seems, I have chosen James and his year long meditation experience to be a guide on the path. I can clearly see how James prepared himself, what he did and what he avoided. He created a map showing how to find the golden flower and I intend to use the map to find it for myself.

Walking the Cold Path

I used the word "real" in  a previous entry pertaining to the pilgrim's path which I have chosen to walk. Real pertaining to the change within me which walking the path has brought about. My perceptions of the path and how to walk and act upon it are new to me and also risky and dangerous. Ideas on how to approach the difficulties and pleasures arise and I try to understand the meaning and put them into practice. When not on the path I am cautious and mostly inactive when it comes to my daily interactions with people, but when walking the path I discover this method is not only inefficient but also ineffective. So I changed and decided to borrow a word from The Myth of Freedom by Chogyam Trungpa. He writes of "idiot compassion" and I transferred the idea to "idiot courtesy". People I pass on the streets, many are cold, angry, distant, fearful, and aggressive. Practicing "idiot courtesy" gets me steamrolled on the streets so I gave it up and don't mind in the least if someone perceives me as rude or cold or anything else they can think of. I make sure to not interfere with anyone's time, space or material, but if they try to interfere with mine I make sure to remain bold and firm in my space. Each interaction is unique so there is no formula to follow, I just make sure to gather as much courage as I can and to confront the danger head on. Perhaps I am passing a gang member who thrives and embraces violence and confrontation, in that case I know I am not on the same level of emotion and thought and if a confrontation occurs I will most likely get my ass kicked. So be it. One of the necessities of the path is having physical courage and also  faith in the guardians of the path. I possess and wear the gifts from the protectors, the amulet which symbolizes the golden flower, and the bracelet which symbolizes the light. I think of it as putting on the armor of God and this increases confidence and courage in the face of danger. 

I currently walk two distinct physical paths, one which leads west and south to St Francis Church, and the other which goes east and north and leads to the Wishing Tree. Each of these paths has its patron saint whom I sometimes pass while walking. They are not sweet and kindly, rather, they are tough and gnarly, not afraid to insult and talk wild obscenities into the wind. When I pass them I expect to be ignored or insulted, all the same they are there to inspire others who are on the path so I try to accept the harsh treatment as a teaching and assimilate it as part of the experience. In an effort to express not "idiot courtesy" but rather my own unique energy, I wai them as I pass, looking them straight in the face. Thus far I have survived the encounters. 

The past days I have been walking the path in extreme cold (temps less than zero Fahrenheit). I dress in many layers. The fun part is I am one of the few people walking in the city during these cold hours and so have much space in which to relax upon the path. 

Snow Storm

This week's pilgrim walks were marked with unusual thought patterns and abilities. Numerous times I brought with me crackers and rice to offer to the Wishing Tree. I drop the rice at the base of the tree and then carry the crackers with me so if hungry birds appear I can offer it to them. Upon arriving at the track I begin my exercise routine and then without forethought my mind would call to nearby birds, not exactly with words, but rather images of the crackers and my intention to offer it. Within moments I would notice many birds darting quickly between trees, seemingly excited with positive energy. Some of the birds would then drop to the ground as I did shoulder presses and leg extensions. I could sense my mind somehow making contact with the birds and the birds knew from this contact that I had crackers to give so I would take the crackers out of my pilgrim pack and scatter the crumbs upon the ground and many birds feasted and appeared happy and relieved.  

Today's afternoon pilgrim walk was begun in a snow storm and after making the stop at the home base began the journey homeward. Snow was thick and soft and as I approached the first of two highway overpasses I decided to repeat my offering of the day's walk to the numerous protectors who follow me upon the path. After offering the walk to the Seven Crows within moments I heard a crow calling and then saw the bird as it buzzed me. Then a second crow buzzed me and then they flew upward near the top of the pass and landed upon a concrete structure which was as tall as I was. As I approached the two crows, who were now perched side by side, they had their attention partly upon the structure and partly upon me. As I closely passed one of the crows hopped off but the other remained and as we made contact our eyes and minds connected and I did a wai to show my gratitude for the protection and guidance of the Seven Crows.

Wheel of Fortune

Today's pilgrim walk was filled with joy and surprises. Joy because my right knee, which was injured after the house painting, is making progress to health, and surprises because nearing the end of the walk I met a sweet man named Tim, 75 years old. He stopped to ask me where the auto show was. I smiled and told him perhaps McCormick Place. He was unsure and replied "I think the wheel of fortune is going on here, at the Pier, would you like to join me?" I readily accepted his invitation and we spent the next 45 minutes walking the Pier together, talking and smiling as if we had known each other long enough to be friends but not long enough where the shadows of delusion make one squirm.

 "It sure is nice to talk with someone," said Tim. I agreed, and by the end of our short time spent together as pilgrims on the path I came to know many interesting things about Tim. When Tim asked if I would like to join him tomorrow in his quest for the wheel of fortune I reluctantly told him I wasn't interested in the wheel of fortune but that I was interested in meeting with him again. When he discovered I did not carry a phone he decided to share the address where he lived. I tried to remember and when I could not he repeated it a second time. We both were suspicious that my memory would let me down and he said "If I don't see you again, may you have a wonderful life!" I thanked him and wished the same for him. 

When I returned home Tim's address readily appeared in my mind, which I consider to be unusual due to past experiences with not recalling names and numbers. I wrote the address on paper and will wait and see if I decide to visit Tim.

The Way of Chuang Tzu

The way to get clear of confusion and free of sorrow is to live with Tao in the land of the great Void.
Chuang Tzu

When I step onto the pilgrim path I notice a change in the environment, the men, women, children and dogs whom cross my path, and my self. Peculiar thoughts arrive while stepping and striding. Not only thoughts but my actions make me pause, particularly when I greet random strangers with the wai gesture. 

The first time I experienced a wai was my first day in Thailand, 2012. I got into a taxi and asked to be driven to my hotel, which was within a half mile from where I stood but because I was disorientated I could not find the way. To my chagrin the taxi driver also got lost and so I reluctantly decided to leave the taxi. As I paid fare and tip, which must have been more than the driver was expecting, he smiled in surprise and gratitude and placed his hands together above his face. Seeing this unusual (to me) gesture gave me a feeling of warmth and happiness. 

Using a wai on the streets of Chicago is an oddity because I cannot recall seeing anyone use it, and yet I have used the wai more than twenty times, usually performed without forethought. I do it if it feels appropriate to the person whom I am passing, sometimes it is children, sometimes dogs, sometimes adults. Today at the home-base as I was standing before the icon I happened to notice her hands, which were placed in the wai position. Perhaps this is where it is originating from. To wai while on the path, this pilgrim path which appears real, as real as walking to the office or the 7/11. When on the path I strive to be bold, faithful, expecting and accepting challenges and obstacles. The path is transforming me.

The Secret of the Golden Flower

I have been reluctant to write. It is not due to lack of material as the daily pilgrim walk challenges both body and mind. I decided to sit down tonight to mark the passing of time.

*Last year I discovered that William Basinski's Disintegration Loops 3 is a sequencing of Om Mani Padme Hum and when listening to it while walking the path it creates a pleasant mind space in which to chant.

*The main portion of the pilgrim path cascades through the wilds of downtown and then veers southwest. Passing through Greek Town I pass numerous owls of wisdom and protection, they cast light upon the path for me to see. 

 

One mile before the terminus is the pilgrim walk home-base, St Francis of Assisi Church. I keep my inner eye fixed on the home-base icons, the protectors and guides of the path, and when I reach the church I stand before them and offer the day's walk to them. 

*I am surprised at the difficulty of the daily pilgrim walk. Surprised because for many years walking was a relief and a pleasure, a way to immerse myself into the action of the moment, but the moments spent on the path I find to be dangerous and risky. I am consistently battling external and internal demons. One moment a passing demon screams loudly and gazes into my eyes as we pass and I return the gaze as I calmly walk the way. A mile passes and a handsome foreigner stands beside me at a street corner waiting for the light to change and we pierce each others eyes in good humor and he says as his hand sweeps the cityscape, "It's all so beautiful, life is beautiful, life is great!" 

Up and down my emotions go and then I recall a passage from a meditation book, something about the emotions being passing waves of energy which leave as quickly as they arrive. I become aware of this powerful emotional energy and I watch as it rises and falls, trying to decipher why a so-called negative energy is indeed negative. I lay in bed at night and purposely recall the most shameful moment's of my life, of which there is plenty to choose from. I seek out the most searing and painful ones and then watch as the echo of the original emotion reverberates into the present moment. I watch it and wait, training my consciousness to not react to the intensely dark energy flowing around and through my heart spirit. If I could somehow blend positive and negative into a harmonious whole perhaps I may then catch a glimpse of the secret of the golden flower. 

*The talisman I place in my left hand and the ring of rainbow light I place on my right wrist. The clear jewel rests in the palm, secured in place by my winter glove. The peculiar golden band which wraps snugly around my wrist is unusually bright and clean in the winter sunlight and reminds me of true gold. I like to imagine I am putting on the armor of God before heading out onto the path...

The Armor of God

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."