Shame - A Letter to Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for sharing the dream, I had a dream about a dog a few weeks ago which left an impression. The following morning as I was walking downtown I saw what looked to be the same dog being walked by a female across the street from where I stood. As I walked along I gazed at the dog continuously. I lost sight of it and thought that was the end of it but a few blocks later I am waiting at a corner light and the dog and owner cross the street heading in my direction. The dog was staring at me and seemed intent to visit with me and I stared in disbelief. I petted the dog like an old friend and told the owner I dreamt of the dog the previous night :)

Something occurred over the weekend which has left me surprised and somewhat in shock (in a good way). In November I decided to do a pilgrim walk, although when I decided to do it I did not know what a pilgrim walk was and what I was supposed to do. I also needed to choose a route and distance/time. The details worked themselves out while I was on the path during the initial weeks, there was to be two routes, east (8 miles) and west (10 miles) (in Chicago), time spent walking unknown. I walked everyday during the winter months, when it was below zero I liked it because I was one of the few pedestrians on the streets, the same with rain and snow. I sensed changes within as the weeks and miles went by. The routes each had a living patron saint (just as likely to insult as smile), and each had its home-base. I began to manifest what could be called psychic abilities (dreams were manifesting within weeks or days of a dream's occurrence), and I began to communicate with birds using images in my mind (crows were one of the protector entities for the walk.) I made rice and mandarin offerings when possible. I was given one wish per visit to the Wishing Tree, the same wish (to experience the wisdom leaf of smiling) being made 95% of the days spent walking (115).

I soon discovered that walking a pilgrim path is not the same as walking a pleasure path. Although I would have preferred the daily walks to be pleasant and relaxed, more often than not I was battling both external and internal demons. I began to "wai" to people and things (e.g.,the owl statuary in Greektown) when it seemed appropriate and done mostly without forethought. Surprisingly everything I wai'ed took it well enough, considering I rarely see anyone wai in Chicago. I wai'd especially to the Greektown saint, a bearded man who enjoyed throwing mad words into the wind. On day 42 I was walking along the path when next to my face appeared a talisman/amulet, secured to a tree branch by a shining golden band. It slipped easily off the branch and into my left palm, which is where I held it for the remaining days of the walk.

By the final week of the walk I had completed my confrontation with a hitherto unknown demon in my psyche - shame. All of the many shameful things in my life melted into a hot ball of steam and that intensely negative energy began to feed the golden flower at the center of my being, just like compost nourishing a garden, dark energy into light. On one of the final walks I experienced color blindness and on the penultimate day I crested the hill at the pier, and, no one being around, I harnessed all of that shameful dark energy and primal screamed it into the void of sky and water. The next day I walked to the Wishing Tree and offered the amulet, and as I did so realized that I had safely carried it from one tree to another. I threaded it into a cloth fabric ring which the Pink Angel had tied around the tree. A great relief washed over me and it was easy to let everything go and be free.

In this post-walk glow of intense satisfaction and relaxation I returned to the tree daily, not as pilgrim, but as common mortal with little to do. Weeks passed and the amulet remained secured to the tree even though at some point the cloth ring had been removed. Imagining the amulet to now be gone (along with the cloth ring), I stood beside the tree as the sun rose and out of the corner of my eye the tree was emitting a sparkling glow and I looked and saw the amulet, attached now to the tree itself. I wondered how long and for what reason the amulet was to stay attached to the tree.

This past Friday I walked to the tree as usual and I noticed something was different - the trees surrounding the wishing tree were glowing pink with blossoming flowers, some of which were scattered on the early spring grass. A winter of ice and snow, wind and rain, and now a short and sweet burst of color and warmth to cheer the day! I walked to the track and did the usual exercises and the day was warm so I wore shorts for the first time. I wandered to the beach and sat on the rocks and smoked and relaxed peacefully. The sand and water lush and full and I walked into the water when I was warm and soaked my legs and head in the cold water. I returned to the rocks and fell into a smiling dream state. And then she appeared...

In the distance was empty beach, calming water, and the jagged lines of tall buildings. A young woman walked into the scene, passed the mid-point walking direct to the shore, passing me 40 yards distant, and then, unexpectedly, stopped, turned to me in an awkward stance... and... smiled. She changed course and was walking towards me and the rocks, smiling, always smiling. She was now standing directly before me and continued to smile. "Can you show me your very best secret spot for smoking weed?" Not ready or in the mood for intense debate, I opened up my pack and handed her my green metallic weed container, thinking she had asked me for weed to smoke. She sat beside me on the rocks and I was relaxed, smiling, and she seemed quite content as she smoked and smiled, and then she asked a question which no one had ever asked me before. "Are you spiritual?" Having recently completed a 115 day pilgrim walk I was in the unique position to answer her with a very confident and wide-eyed "I am, very much so! Are you?" She answered in the affirmative and told me she was psychic and had animal encounters and I realized this person was possibly a manifestation of a spirit guide.The time spent together on the rocks was relaxed, easy, like in the...Pure Land....calm, confident, smiling and happy. And she, MiKayla, smiled at me continuously like I was a fucking movie star, I could sense her attraction pulling at me, she was just like the birds, magnetized to my presence. And the birds visited us and landed at our feet and this pleased MiKayla so I took crackers from my pack and fed the birds and it went on like this for an hour and through discussion and insight it occurred to me that the reason the amulet was still hanging on the tree was because it had been waiting for MiKayla's hand and so we walked to the Wishing Tree together, trees filled with flower and spring scent, an auspicious sign. MiKayla was allowing her body to press on mine as we walked and her red hair shone in the sun and then she covered it with a soft lime green handkerchief, reminding me of a Celtic peasant. It was then I saw that she was beautiful, too beautiful to be human, surely she was a manifested spirit. She then mentioned something about her shame and this caused my insides to crack because the pilgrim walk had washed away my shame and I replied heavily "I too have a lot of shame...." ...and she said stunningly "then you and me, we are exactly alike.....'  and this made me smile because earlier I had mentioned Dr King, my philosophy professor, saying he did not know if God existed but he thought that if we were allowed a glimpse into each others minds we would discover that we were the same.

We stood next to the Wishing Tree together and my lone mandarin offering from earlier in the morning was resting in the shade of the tree. I unhooked the amulet from the tree, the amulet which had been in my left palm for so many intense days, and now it, as offering, was finally accepted by MiKayla, a manifestation of the wisdom leaf of smiling 😀

There is more to the story but this is all I can write about tonight and I know this type of subject/experience is not in your interests so thank you for reading/listening. I tried writing Elke last week about my experiences but did not get far.  Tell Jinxin, Audrey, and Carol I say hello :) ♥️