Proposition

Yesterday while walking home from a friend's house it occurred to me that a desire I have had since childhood is now currently being fulfilled. When I realized this I had a surge of positive emotions and also realized that the reason it had taken so many years to materialize was because the desire was not something which could be easily done, if at all. 

The desire first arose when I watched a tv movie on the life of Jesus, I was 11-12 years old. It seemed the best thing a person could do was to follow the advice of the master, which was to give away all material goods and then walk the path in search of God's Way. I recall asking my Aunt Rose why people did not do this and she gave me a look which let me know that doing such a thing was not possible. As I could not get myself to do it at the time I had no way to refute the look and thought perhaps she was right.  

Later, in my early 20's and working at the Fire Protection warehouse, I would sometimes see an old man with his bicycle in the mornings outside the warehouse looking through the trash bins. I sensed that the man was free and I was not. I yearned to know how he had gotten to the point in his life where he was relying on God to get him through each day. I was perplexed because here was proof that someone could follow the path and yet I had no ideas on how I could find the path to get on it myself. 

And there I was, yesterday, walking home and crossing the highway overpass bridge which leads into downtown, with little money, little food, no one to see and no where to go. Instead of being depressed and anxious I was thunderstruck by the thought that I was now walking the path which leads to The Way, relying on God to get me through the day. What relying on God means I do not know, but I was there, in the moment, believing, trusting, in faith.

One story Paramahansa Yogananda revealed in his autobiography came to mind - without funds and a property payment due the next day,  rather than worry he slept soundly and in the morning upon exiting his residence a stranger approached and started a conversation and soon after she offered him $15,000 dollars to pay his debts. I laughed to myself because while this may be a true story, one of the reasons he was able to write an autobiography and become a well known master was because of these miraculous events, but what of the many who tried to follow the path and had no such luck, who upon walking out into the morning light had no stranger offer a life line? For every Paramahansa Yogananda there must be a million monks who walk the path and do not get very far upon it. But here I was, at least for one day, walking the path and as for tomorrow I had no clue.

This morning I awoke, cupboards bare, bank account empty. I open my laptop and have an email message from my ex-wife, Rachel :

Subject : Proposition

Hey Jim, It is time to finally paint the house again. Any interest in making $5000 :)

It is now day's end, I have agreed to paint Rachel's house in Urbana for $5000, I will soon be traveling there for an extended stay to work on the painting project, it will most likely take at least one month to finish. I painted the house fifteen years ago and it took six months to complete, but at the time I was working part time at the park district and training for ultra marathons. Working full-time as a house painter I am hoping it goes quicker the second time. Rachel was kind and advanced me $500 so that I could purchase a train ticket and have enough money for food and whatever else I may need during my stay while working. 

How am I to view such a chain of events? I am too shocked to form an accurate opinion but know it is correct to follow the advice from Soyen Shaku - When an opportunity comes do not let it pass by...

 

Hunger

Today I walked to a friend's house, four miles each way. Two blocks from her home I saw a young squirrel on the road, its head tucked down as if in prayer. I thought it might be dead but I noticed it rocking sideways. I felt pity because I knew it was moments away from death. The adventures it would have, the eating and sex and rolling in the snow and enjoying a deep sleep in its tree nest, all gone. All it knew now was intense pain and a great void coming on. I thought of one of my morning prayers, "anything which crosses my path today may The Great Protector bless all the moments of its life in triple time and shower it with immense positive energy." I stood beside the squirrel watching for oncoming vehicles, I did not want its body to be crushed. I bent over it, stroking its fur with a small stick. It tried to gather itself and turned over, its legs immobile. It opened its mouth wide and its eyes were glazed. It went limp then and I decided to pick its body up and place it in the grass in bright morning sunlight. I repeated to myself "you are blessed, you are blessed, you are blessed now" and I left it to its fate, to die in sunlight in the soft summer grass. 

On the walk home the downtown was eerily quiet due to the first day of the national political convention, most people either called in sick to work or were told to stay home. When I reached Millennium Park the southeast entrance was closed so I had to walk on Michigan Ave which was busy with tourists. I passed a man who had a large exotic bird perched on his arm and I thought of a dream I had a few days ago, where I passed a man who was holding a large exotic bird and the bird hopped onto my shoulder and its long beak rubbed my neck and it spoke to me in English, a single sentence which stunned my mind. It then spread its wings and revealed a bright red breast of feathers. 

Recent days my hunger has been manageable, although food selection is becoming plain and bare. I carefully watch my mind to see how it is reacting to the sensations of want. Some moments I sense its panic, the wonderment to where it all went wrong. Then it quickly pivots and realizing such thoughts and emotions won't help it takes refuge in faith. An old insight from years ago surfaces, "this life is not mine, not my choice, not my doing, whatever wanted me here put me here and when it wants to take me it will take me. Nothing I do or think will change this so just let go and see what consciousness brings today."

The Last Moment

With things winding themselves down to a quiet stillness in my life, things needing to be done having been done, I have a vision of the final picture arising in my consciousness. My mind, the ego, still has trouble, of course, with accepting that its existence will need to end by necessity, that no continual stream of miracles can prevent this. And the fear of death remains, as always. I do my best everyday to face it, and it is something which I have reflected upon since walking in the DeKalb Cemetery when I was a philosophy student in the 1980's, gazing at the tombstones, noting the dates, the length of people's lives, and the cryptic R.I.P. which adorns each one. 

Synchronicities still arise, though, lately more than usual. Yesterday I was walking home from a friend's house and I felt my heart speak, asking me to stop into the Harold Washington library in search of a book or two. As usual I went directly to the 6th floor and wandered through the stacks containing religion, history, philosophy. I decided to do something which I had not done in a long while, which is to let the experience of the search itself decide what books I should choose. I came across two books on the holocaust by Primo Levi, one of which I had already read, and the other I had already once had in my possession but had decided not to read. When leafing through the pages of the one I had not read, I was about to place it back on the shelf when I saw that one of the chapters was entitled Shame. Having just written an entry where I contemplated the shame of standing naked before death, my heart signaled that this was a book which I needed to read, so I took it along with the one which I had already read. I then came across a book which contained the sparse writings of St. Francis. My spirit name being Francis, I was intrigued and decided to read the book based on this seemingly haphazard method of "heart selection." 

On the walk home I recalled the times in my life when I had used this method, when the books chosen had a deep impact upon my psyche and future days. The first instance was in 1986 when I discovered a large, green hardback of the Bible written in contemporary English tucked into a corner of my bedroom. How it got into my bedroom I do not know, and why I had not discovered it earlier was also a mystery. I had recently decided to give up watching television and stop reading newspapers so I had extra hours to use and I gravitated to reading sections of the Bible at random each evening before going to bed. This had a profound impact on my mind and spirit, and consequently my life, which up to that time had been a chaotic mess of activity with no solid direction. I especially enjoyed reading the books of Wisdom and Sirach. When I discovered the Gospels the words of Jesus struck my heart like a sword and I read through the four books numerous times, with Luke being my favorite. 

Around the same period I recall wandering through the library at the local community college and upon seeing a book entitled Essays, written by Emerson,  I felt a compulsion to take the book off the shelf. I took it to a reading stall and opened it to Self Reliance and began to read. Like the Bible, this book transported my mind and spirit into a new realm which had a strong influence on the direction of my future life. A few years later, in my final year of university, I wrote my historical thesis on Emerson, and many an autumn day would sit beneath a beautiful tree near my dorm and read the essays. Not long after finding the Emerson book I discovered in the same library The Complete Letters of Vincent van Gogh. Volume I was missing so I took volume II and began reading one or two letters per night. This book also had a profound impact and was one of the reasons I chose to pursue photography for ten years, beginning in 1991. 

It was refreshing, therefore, to return to this unusual method of selecting books to read. Even though my time on earth is coming to a close and my work here mostly complete, each day I am given to experience should be used to further strengthen body, mind, and heart, even though it is now a lost battle with the body.

Today ended with a beautiful synchronicity. I mentioned in my last entry that looming hunger will be a test of my faith and tonight I listened to an interview between two philosophers discussing times in their lives when they were close to ruin, possible death, etc, and just as their lives were about to be degraded and destroyed something unexpected happened which saved them. One of the philosophers noted that being tested in such a way is a positive thing because the last moment means you have to trust.

Demon

I woke a bit later this morning, 4:30am, decided to skip breathing exercises so that I could witness the sunrise on my walk to the track. When I arrived at the track the sky was beginning to lighten and after one round of muscle exercises I sat and rested on the low stone wall, which is approximately two feet high and twenty feet in length. I sat in the middle of the wall and as part of my routine rested for sixty seconds to relax mind and body. As I rested in the darkness a physical presence emerged and stood within a foot of me, directly to my left. Startled, yet calm, I observed the figure and realized it was the man whom I had seen sitting at a table next to the tennis court, apparently having slept there through the night. I had obviously come to his attention and now he was standing beside me. I carefully monitored my emotional response, relieved that both mind and heart were remaining in a calm, relaxed state. I decided to speak and said "good morning." The man ignored my words and bent his body so that his face was inches from the wall, seemingly looking for something. I knew then that I was being confronted by a demon and I recalled the dream I had not too long ago where I had met many demons while relaxing on a park bench. Still in a relaxed state and sixty seconds having passed, I saw no reason to continue sitting and calmly stood up. As I did the demon stood up quickly and moved to my right and bent over to study the wall anew. I did not pause nor respond and calmly walked to the next exercise station without looking behind me. I felt a slight shiver arise in the center of my body which I took to be a sign that the demon had meant to do me harm. No matter, I knew that by crossing paths with the demon that his life was now going to improve because each morning I pray that The Great Protector bless whomever crosses my path, and if someone I cross paths with harms me in any way I ask that The Great Protector bless them x 100. The next loop around I again sat on the stone wall and rested for sixty seconds, during which time I heard the demon vocalizing angry sounds and words. Most likely he was directing his demonic wrath to my presence, no matter, this demon was blessed today. I calmly arose from the wall and walked to the next station, which meant I was moving in the direction of the table where the demon now was, standing and preparing his belongings for the coming of a new day. I made sure I was smiling when I passed and he allowed me to continue without interference. I crossed the demon's path once more during my fourth circuit without disturbance and having finished the workout exited the track and walked the lake path to the beach and the Jewel Tree. 

At the Jewel Tree I had only a small amount of rice to offer, no flowers having appeared at my feet. The portion of rice was smaller than usual because my food supply is dwindling and I do not know when I will next have money to procure more food. For the past three years the threat of starvation has been lurking and yet food has always appeared when needed. It is a test of my faith and I try to make the most of the experience. Ayn Rand wrote "It's easy to be Buddha when you have money in the bank."

Standing Naked Before Rome

Woke early again, 3:45am, practiced breathing exercises and then left the apartment at 4:20am. Walked to the track, along the way another bunch of pearl white flowers appeared at my feet so I placed them into the offering bag. Completed three sets of muscle exercises then walked to the beach, sat in my usual place to watch the sunrise, then walked to the Jewel Tree. After making the offering of flowers and rice I was able to closely observe the offering which the Pink Angel had made yesterday. On the south side of the tree were the ring of magenta flowers and after I had left yesterday the Pink Angel made a second offering on the east side of the tree, purple and yellow flowers arranged into a heart shape and in the center of the heart was a full kiwi. 

When I arrived home I decided to watch the beginning sequence of The Last Temptation of Christ. When the prophet which Jesus was to carry the cross for was brought before the crowd to be crucified the Roman commander read the charges, "This man standing naked before Rome...", and this reminded me how shame plays a role in human society and behavior. It is bad enough to be hours away from death, the fear of the unknown and destruction of the ego weighing down upon the mind. When physical pain and being shamed before peers is added to the death sequence, one's naked body hanging helplessly upon a wooden cross for all to witness, the cruel futility and terror of life comes sharply into focus. I decided not to be witness to the crucifixion and instead transitioned to Plato's Phaedo, where Socrates attempts to prove the existence of the human soul both before birth and after death. I continued to think about the man who was tied to the cross, moments away from having his hands and feet nailed to it. He knew it was much too late to change his fate, all was lost and decided. He had come into the world naked and was now to leave it naked, shamed beyond measure.

Timing is Everything

Woke at 3:00am, instead of laying in bed to resume sleep and dream I decided to get up and do my usual set of breathing exercises. I was able to vividly recall the dream I had just experienced which involved running in a town which reminded me of Urbana. It does not surprise me that I was running because my knee is currently sore and I have not run in over a week because of this. August is my peak running month but this year it looks like my peak will have been in July. 

My body is consistently getting weaker and thinner, the muscle mass declining. I most likely have a terminal illness and don't have much time left on earth. I am surprised the pain has yet to start but I am certain it is imminent, pain cannot be avoided when the body is preparing its final descent. Each day I am given which is physically neutral and pain free is a blessing and I try to make the most of it. 

After finishing the breathing exercises it was 4:15am and I decided to walk to the track and do muscle exercises. The morning air was pleasant and calm and the walk beside the lake was very quiet. Along the way a cluster of pearl white flowers appeared at my feet and I gathered them together and put them into my offering bag along with the rice. At the track I saw homeless people sleeping on benches and as I silently recited Amitabha Buddha I was hopeful The Great Protector would bless these people. After two rounds of exercises I noticed the sky beginning to lighten so I cut the workout short and returned to the lake and walked to the beach. I waded into the water at the beach and then sat calmly in my usual spot watching the sunrise. The small beach cafe was lit with soothing yellow bulb lights which contrasted nicely with the pastel colors of the sunrise. I thought of my time spent in Chiang Mai when I would rise early and arrive at the Pharmacy Gardens as the sun was rising. 

When my feet were almost dry I walked barefoot to the Jewel Tree and when I arrived and was approaching from the north I was startled to see the Pink Angel approaching from the west. If I had continued walking we would have reached the tree at the same moment! I decided this was not respectful to the Pink Angel so I took a seat on a nearby bench and quietly watched as she made her offering to the Jewel Tree. She then walked in my direction and when in front of me she stopped and looked up into the trees. I was facing east, gazing at the lake and the pink orange sky, and now the Pink Angel was directly in my line of sight, twenty feet distant. She stood still, looking up, and after sixty seconds I saw a large bird take flight from the tree. As the Pink Angel stood before me I had the urge to speak but decided against it. I placed my hands together and did a slight bow as she returned to the Jewel Tree. 

After a brief time the Pink Angel walked in my direction again and I decided it was my turn to make an offering so I walked to the now vacant Jewel Tree and placed the pearl white flowers and rice in the usual place beneath the tree. I was surprised to see that the Pink Angel had made her offering on the south side of the tree, which is a rarity, as both she and I normally place the flowers on the west side. Aware that the Pink Angel might soon be returning to the Jewel Tree I quickly glanced at her offering, which was partially obstructed from my angle of view. I decided not to deeply study her offering so only made a quick scan and saw that she had offered beautiful flowers the color of deep magenta placed in an oval shape. I wanted to linger longer and take note of the type of fruit and food she had offered but decided it was best to quickly leave so as not to disturb her offering ceremony. I walked up the hill and sat on the bench and watched the sky becoming brighter and more colorful. I was relaxed and happy and soon began my walk home. When I passed the art gallery at the Marina I stopped to gaze at the pictures and made note of the new paintings and counted the number of tree pictures, seven in the series, all containing the double helix motif.

The Tree Of Life, Alexandru Darida