Twenty months have passed since my last entry. During the first week of the 3 month meditation term (September 22, 2013 - December 22, 2013) I was stricken with a serious lung illness which prevented me from meditating at the temple. After two missed weeks I attended morning sessions when possible, but eventually stopped going altogether because my health began a rapid decline.
When my lease ended on August 31, 2014, (total time in Eugene, OR: July 12, 2012 - September 30, 2012, living at KC's home, 2306 Onyx St; and October 1, 2012 - August 31, 2014, living at 2290 Monroe St) I reluctantly decided to leave Eugene and move to Las Vegas (arriving September 1st, 2014) so as to avoid the wet and cold Oregon winter. Instead of improving, I lost more strength and stamina. I left Las Vegas in the middle of January, 2015, feeling very old, and traveled by city bus to Boulder City, where I lived in a hotel for a month. I then hiked 18 miles into the desert and lived in a tent for a number of days on the shore of Lake Mead. Surprisingly my body began to improve a bit. The nights were long....and cold...and windy. I listened to the coyotes and the silence of the barren land.
A day came when I reached out to grab death's hand, but even death rejected me. I was a ghost in hell - not wanted in life, or death. A recurring thought was "it's just me and God now." I hiked into the desert again and when I came to a cliff I looked down and gazed upon large jagged boulders, an unforgiving hardness. I thought briefly about throwing myself over the edge. I stood there under the blue sky, with nowhere to go, no one to see, and finally, nothing to be. There was nothing left except my sick body and my glowing consciousness. I thought of van Gogh, and Claude from The Masterpiece, and a neighbor who had hung herself in a garage. Hemingway, too. And Bukowski, who often wrote that he would have killed himself, but did not have the courage. The rocks looked cold and mean, and the thought that this was merely another test - isn't life just a test of our consciousness, a way to learn how not to be duped and overwhelmed with sense illusion and dream - that to jump to my demise would be the wrong decision. No, I was going to let death grab me, I wasn't going to go begging at its doorstep. So I turned away and thought about the man who had jumped off the Morningstar building because of money problems. At the time I imagined it to be wrong, his mind was simply muddied with dream and he was so caught up in that dream that he took it for ultimate reality, and this I could not abide. I walked away from the ledge, back down the mountain and into the flats of the desert, realizing I still felt the same way - simply remain calm, keeping the mind clear, and to let go of everything, save the body and consciousness.
A few days later, at the beginning of March, 2015, I was on flight to Chicago. I was now living with family, sleeping in a bed in a warm house protecting me from a harsh cold winter season. I decided to try to fix my body with the help of a doctor, because I was incapable of working, or even getting up in the morning. Surgery was scheduled, and then performed, and now I am recovering, daily increasing my health and fitness. Running, meditating, and looking for work in the city. I am still weak, but am confident I can recover the vitality which will allow me to rejoin the dream of the living.
I ran 6 1/2 miles this afternoon, and also had a job interview over the phone. I am still uncertain if the circumstances surrounding my existence are favorable or not. Yesterday I was crossing a busy road and was almost run down by a car, and it appeared death had finally opened its door to me, but no, the car slowed and veered at the final moment, and I continued to walk on my way, letting go, letting go, letting go...
