Day 7

The journey has begun. This will be the last entry for many days. I will concentrate on the Way. Internet use to be cut out. Create a world inside of myself.

Day 6

Break today, no meditation.

I have noticed an inner change - a release of the defensive ego. I am willing to let go of protecting the ego, and the meditation has given me an intuitive ability to do so. It frees the mind to be quiet, aware of surroundings yet not fearful of losing anything. Happy about this, yet not clinging to the happiness. I feel closer to life - a continuous flow which changes every moment - no use fretting about winning or losing - just flow.

Day 5

I woke up to rain, but at least I was on time. Zazen session was average, allergies slightly better from the day before. More comfortable with the service chants.

Saturday the Zendo is closed, so it will be nice to sleep in. Sunday is a late start at 9:20am, so I will be looking forward to the weekends for extra sleep.

Monday the autumn session starts - zazen starts at 5:00am, for 2 x 40 minute sessions, followed by the service. I will need to get up at 4:15am - let the fun begin.

Day 4

I don't use an alarm clock, so not surprised that I woke up later at 5:18am. I bolted out of bed, quickly washed up, and was out the door at 5:26. I knew I could make it to the Zendo by 5:50 with a short burst of running, so walked most of the way and ran the final 3 blocks.

Zazen was average. Had trouble breathing due to allergies. Stomach quiet.

Am quickly learning the service routine and procedure. Bow, chant, bow.

Perhaps because I rely upon my internal clock to get me out of bed at such an early hour that my sleep patterns have been unpredictable. I lay in bed for 90 minutes in the middle of the night in a half state of dream and wakefulness.

Rained most of the day, first rain in a long while. The season has changed. My energy is low, did not feel like doing anything. Received an email from a friend a couple of days ago, had not heard from her in couple of years. This afternoon I wrote to her, describing my journey to the East last year and shared the images I made while traveling.

Took a long nap from 5:30-8:15pm.

It is 8:30pm now, will do zazen while listening to a dharma talk.

One more day of early zazen at the zendo, then a break (Temple closed on Saturdays).

Day 3

Woke at 3:30am and was unable to return to a deep sleep. Energy however was good and I easily left my bed at 5:10am and made the walk to the Zendo. More people than usual this morning, 7-8, although only 3 remained after zazen for the service.

Had an average zazen session, nose was clear, stomach made only a few noises. During the service my mind began piecing together the mechanics and the person next to me was kind enough to show me the correct pages to use in the chanting book. My speaking voice, normally weak, is different from my chanting voice. When I chant I produce the sound from the diaphragm, which is deep and resonant. I enjoy chanting and am hoping it keeps my resolve firm and on course.

After leaving the temple I stopped at home to change and then went for a run. My energy was low and I only traveled 1 1/2 miles. During the summer I was running 10-12 miles along the Ridgleline Trail, and on off days hiked 3-4 hours along the same route. It seems the season has turned and my body is preparing for autumn/winter.

After eating a breakfast of tasty porridge I was quite tired so took a long nap. When I woke I practiced guitar, then began a writing project called "Fragments of Memory". I don't kid myself about my ability to tell imaginative stories, so to quench my thirst for writing I have decided to simply describe memories.

After supper I went for a walk around the neighborhood, admiring the gloomy sunset. I then meditated in my studio while listening to a talk given by the roshi.

I am beginning to settle into a rhythm, it is more lucid than my usual days prior to making the vow, and I sense the possibility of going deep into the practice.

It is now 10:00pm, time to get into bed and begin again tomorrow.

Fragments of Memory

1) A white house with two stories. My room on the first floor, a window facing the street, which I cannot see. My bed soft and large. I'd lay in bed at night, my first thoughts oddly imaginative and philosophical. I believed that when I fell asleep my breath would stop. I wanted to know what it felt like to not breathe, so in the bedroom, dim with night shadows lurking on the walls, I would hold my breath and was puzzled to find myself gasping after only 20 seconds.

Most nights my nose was blocked because of allergies. My mother told me I would die if I swallowed the nasty stuff which filled my nose. The idea of death was not frightening. Having been in the world for so little time, losing life was as threatening as losing a nickel.  Somehow the accumulation of memory creates the fantasy that there is so much to lose.

In the mornings, early, the orange sunlight created a warm place for my eyes to rest in, and the family dog would scratch continuously on the closed door. I jumped out of bed energetically, reaching high to turn the door knob, the dog scratching faster. With the door cracked open I ran back to the bed as fast as I could, the dog racing me, and we jumped together onto the soft mattress. I landed and rolled, covering my face with both hands, the dog lapping at my skin, jumping on my tiny bones. I laughed and laughed, and so did the dog. Such joy and fun! I would soon be sneezing and coughing.

One day someone knocked on the door and I saw my mother talking to strangers and putting the leash on the dog. I glanced out the door while standing on my toes and watched the dog being put into a car, it was crying and I think I cried, too. I never saw the dog again. 

Day 2

Had a full sleep last night, and was able to rise with energy at 5:00am. Had an intense dream, meeting an old college friend and road tripping with him. Things were not all smooth and pleasant, as he became critical and somewhat abusive as our journey progressed. I handled it well enough - when I act and speak with dignity in a dream, I know I am on the way to a calm and healthy mind.

The walk to the zendo will soon enough become a habit of steps, well known and expected. When I arrived at the temple the resident cat was waiting outside the door. I call him Mr Zen. After a few pets I squeezed in without letting him inside. The sky was still dark, the outer hall filled with fragrant incense and candle light. After picking up a cushion I entered the main hall, bowed, noticing the roshi sitting in zazen next to the alter. I settled in, facing the east wall. 40 minutes went by in an easy flow, body loose and light, even my stomach was silent. My nose was bothered by allergies, but I still managed to breathe easy. When the bell rang I decided to remain for the service, my first one - deep chanting, the pulsing of a drum, bowing, the ringing of bells. I will use the service each morning to remind myself of the vow.

When the service ended the roshi walked over to me and introduced himself. We shook hands and he spoke my name - he correctly guessed who I was from my recent term student application. There was one other person in the hall, a resident wearing a black robe. We spoke for a minute, and he told me he has been living at the temple for 2 1/2 years, and will be ending his time there in one month. I asked him what he planned to do, he smiled easily and told me he did not know.

I walked to the library in the afternoon to look for the Upanishads. I ended up with a book on Hindu Scriptures - The Rg-Veda, Atharva-Veda, Upanishads, Bhagavad-Gita, Kirana-Tantra, and others. It seems odd I have waited this many years to read the eastern sacred texts. They were off my radar until only recently. I sense they will shatter my current world view.

It is 8:00pm. I will now meditate while listening to a recorded talk by the roshi on "Enlightenment and Misunderstandings about Enlightenment", followed by reading and sleep. I have made a good start, momentum now flowing. Looking forward to what day 3 brings.

Day 1

Struggled last night. Got up at 1:30am to use the bathroom, when I got back into bed my mind began to contemplate some of the negative relationships I have had with people. I could not determine if I was needlessly anxious about things out of my control, or was trying to find an answer to these past difficulties. Probably a bit of both. My mind is sufficiently trained to avoid foolish anxiety, especially in bed - once I get into bed I am determined to be at peace and get some rest. I contemplated these painful relationships for hours, and never got back to sleep. I attempted to focus on the breath while thinking about things, but the late hour and sleepiness caused my concentration to be weak, and I also seemed to be in a different world, a kind of half dream inhabited with devils and monsters.

All the while I knew I had to get up at 5:00am. At 4:45 I told myself to forget about it, I was just too beat up mentally. And then my stomach started to make loud noises. Have you ever meditated in a quiet room crowded with people, the silence broken by odd stomach noises? If I happen to be the noisy stomach I tend to get so embarrassed that sweat breaks out on my forehead. Well, I could just imagine sitting there in the dawn silence with my stomach screaming for attention while my fogged mind chased demons through an imaginary landscape. Yes, I was staying in bed.

When I checked my watch it was 5:09am. I found myself pulling away from the warm covers, the vow had won, it pushed me into the washroom to get cleaned up, and soon after I was walking to the zendo. I told myself not even crazy stomach noises were going to keep me away. And so I meditated on day 1 from 5:50-6:30. Three others were there, I believe they live at the zendo. At one point music began to play, it was a funky band orchestral, immediately one of the meditators left the room to shut off the music. Was it a clock radio alarm? Who knows, but it got my mind off my stomach.

The rest of the daily schedule was thrown off because I when I got home from the zendo I went back to bed for some needed sleep. I got out of the house at 10:00 for a short run and exercise, then stopped at the grocery to get a few supplies. I practiced guitar after a meal of brown rice and vegetables. There was a knock on the door as I sat at the table eating. I don't get many visitors. A woman with white hair stood there, she came to introduce herself. She lives across the street. We talked for a minute or two. I became self conscious.

It is 7:30pm, I will meditate for an hour and then do some reading.

Yesterday I made a drawing of a man meditating. I plan to give it to the roshi when the student term begins on September 22. I submitted my application yesterday - a 90 day commitment to do zazen everyday, along with a few other activities at the zendo. More about this later.

Day 2 tomorrow. How will I sleep tonight? More demons from the past? I accept it - it is illusion, mind rebelling against my plan to study it. It is playing tricks - I can see through the deception. Mind, you are only harming yourself. Sleep easy.

Preparation

Today I walked to the Zendo for Sunday Zazen and dharma talk. I contributed to the discussion of mindfulness of body during the question/answer period. I am preparing mentally for the start tomorrow. I am not in the habit of rising at 5:00am, so the first obstacle to overcome is my desire to sleep. Will try to get into bed early tonight. Only thing to be done is to get up, walk to zendo, meditate. The rest of the day won't be out of the ordinary for me.