Day 1

Struggled last night. Got up at 1:30am to use the bathroom, when I got back into bed my mind began to contemplate some of the negative relationships I have had with people. I could not determine if I was needlessly anxious about things out of my control, or was trying to find an answer to these past difficulties. Probably a bit of both. My mind is sufficiently trained to avoid foolish anxiety, especially in bed - once I get into bed I am determined to be at peace and get some rest. I contemplated these painful relationships for hours, and never got back to sleep. I attempted to focus on the breath while thinking about things, but the late hour and sleepiness caused my concentration to be weak, and I also seemed to be in a different world, a kind of half dream inhabited with devils and monsters.

All the while I knew I had to get up at 5:00am. At 4:45 I told myself to forget about it, I was just too beat up mentally. And then my stomach started to make loud noises. Have you ever meditated in a quiet room crowded with people, the silence broken by odd stomach noises? If I happen to be the noisy stomach I tend to get so embarrassed that sweat breaks out on my forehead. Well, I could just imagine sitting there in the dawn silence with my stomach screaming for attention while my fogged mind chased demons through an imaginary landscape. Yes, I was staying in bed.

When I checked my watch it was 5:09am. I found myself pulling away from the warm covers, the vow had won, it pushed me into the washroom to get cleaned up, and soon after I was walking to the zendo. I told myself not even crazy stomach noises were going to keep me away. And so I meditated on day 1 from 5:50-6:30. Three others were there, I believe they live at the zendo. At one point music began to play, it was a funky band orchestral, immediately one of the meditators left the room to shut off the music. Was it a clock radio alarm? Who knows, but it got my mind off my stomach.

The rest of the daily schedule was thrown off because I when I got home from the zendo I went back to bed for some needed sleep. I got out of the house at 10:00 for a short run and exercise, then stopped at the grocery to get a few supplies. I practiced guitar after a meal of brown rice and vegetables. There was a knock on the door as I sat at the table eating. I don't get many visitors. A woman with white hair stood there, she came to introduce herself. She lives across the street. We talked for a minute or two. I became self conscious.

It is 7:30pm, I will meditate for an hour and then do some reading.

Yesterday I made a drawing of a man meditating. I plan to give it to the roshi when the student term begins on September 22. I submitted my application yesterday - a 90 day commitment to do zazen everyday, along with a few other activities at the zendo. More about this later.

Day 2 tomorrow. How will I sleep tonight? More demons from the past? I accept it - it is illusion, mind rebelling against my plan to study it. It is playing tricks - I can see through the deception. Mind, you are only harming yourself. Sleep easy.