Monk Life - Day 16

Left foot has 2 blisters and right foot has a bad toe cramp so I took the day off from running, was still able to walk 6 morning miles and in the afternoon walked to library to study chess.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g65 Tarrasch/Rubinstein g 66 Grunfeld/Rubinstein (J)

Read GM Performance by Polugaevsky -

g21 Pol/Romanishin (J)

Monk Life - Day 15

Sky alternating between white and blue with summer air finally reaching a warm level. Ran 5 miles then walked to chess pavillion and played 10 games, with a score of 7 wins 1 draw, 2 losses against 3 old men.

Half way through The Razor's Edge, just as good on the second reading as the first.

Monk Life - Day 14

Did a double walk today, 7 miles in the morning followed by 6 miles in the afternoon, stopped at the chess pavillion again and played an old eastern European guy, winning 5 and losing 1, same score as yesterday. Sky was pure white today, no blue, the atmosphere is dead, the scientists have killed the earth, not much anyone can do now but live life to the fullest and count down the days to death.

That being said I think it is a fair viewpoint considering the state of the earth and the age of my body to adopt an attitude that today will be my final day on earth. It brings a strong sense of pleasure and vigor to the day, and fear is nowhere to be found. If I happen to make it to bed at night I tell myself it will be my final sleep and I will not be waking up, and if I do happen to wake up in the morning then I begin the death process again. I had a similar way of viewing life in my early 20's and I really sucked the marrow out of life during that time and perhaps I can do something similar this time around.

If this is my final entry, you will know why.

Monk Life - Day 13

Warm day, ran 5 miles which is the furthest I have run since returning to the states in mid-march. Was feeling energetic because of the warm air and although the sky was white with toxic material I still managed to feel decent enough so went for a 6 mile walk after lunch and a nap and stopped at the chess pavilion and played a couple of old Ukrainian men, winning 5 and losing 1, played well enough and my studies of Rubinstein's games has given me a confidence boost.

Monk Life -Day 12

The days are getting warm,but the skies are poisoned with airplane filler, blue sky, or should have been this morning, but the 80% was covered in a fine covering of toxic material which blocked the sunlight. While Europe bakes with 100 degree temps, the midwest USA thanks to the military is soaked in toxic moist air.

Because of the first warm day of the 2019 (after 7 months of waiting) I did a double walk, total 13 miles.

Read more of The Razor's Edge.

Monk Life - Day 11

Blue sky for much of the day, then gray clouds and rain in the afternoon, when the sky is clear the sun's intensity is stronger than in the past.

Read the first part of The Razor's Edge by Maugham.

Monk Life - Day 10

Walked outside at 6:30, 5 minutes later I returned home due to gray and white sky and threat of rain, I slept for 3 hours then went outside and walked 7 miles under white skies, not a shade of blue to be seen.

During the walk I found myself losing confidence in my individual future due to not having any idea of how to proceed and what kind of decisions to make regarding how to survive regarding the obtaining of money. I knew it was the curse of having a somewhat fuzzy awareness of possible future events, which leads to attempting to steer current events so that future events will be favorable, and when I deduce that most possible outcomes are likely to be unfavorable I have to work to avoid despair. So I focused on my breathing and the present moment and decided to let the future fall where it may, that I do not have the insight and the genius to find ways to get money other than the meanest of ways, that of low wage work.

 Artifact, 1986

  Artifact, 1998

  Artifact, 1993

 Artifact, 1992

Monk Life - Day 9

Ran a quick 2 1/2 miles under a sky covered in toxic filler, when I got home I was planning to read a book along the riverwalk but the sky became darker and it rained and there was not a bit of sun to be seen for the entire day. So this is what the end days are, a destroying of light, back into a dark hole of nothingness. So be it.

As my body approaches its end point I have realized that I need to focus upon how I want to proceed during my final span of days. When I take a summary view of things I come up with the following -

I have lived my life with death mostly present in the side mirror of consciousness, and because I have been moving along the path for more than 50 years I have to remind myself that although I have stayed ahead of death for a long while, one day it is going to get into my blind spot and overtake me. Sensing that my body is in decline with its energy and mass and with death sensing my slowness it is going to speed up so I believe I don't have much time left in the race.

The way I have lived in relation to survival is to work whatever random job I could get and this aspect of my life has relied heavily on chance, luck, and fortune or lack of it. As each year passes I sense that my store of good luck is running out and will soon be gone, which means that the ability to exchange my time for money is going to be heavily diminished, thus leaving me without a way to continue living with secure shelter and food.

Instead of being inspired to look for a wage job I have instead been considering the choices which are available to my consciousness. Working a wage job for so many years has dulled my perception to the reality that at any moment I have an infinite amount of choices available, and yet because of the nature of working in the same space and at the same time, the choices I choose to be aware of are so narrow that I end up choosing similar things day after day. If my life's days were a continuum of chess games, instead of playing a variety of openings I have chosen to play the same opening thousands of times. And now with death stepping closer and currently not being constrained to a single point in space and time due to not working a wage job, I have recently become aware again that I can play something other than 1e4. The reason most people choose 1e4, instead of say, 1 b4, is that 1 e4 is known to lead to a safe and predictable game with good chances of success. If one were close to death, however, success no longer means extending one's days but rather making the most of the small amount of days remaining. If I wanted to go out in a flare of crazy light I could play 1a3 and be guaranteed an unusual outcome, akin to jumping off a bridge, not much chance for survival and cause of death could be considered suicide. So putting 1a3 aside, there are safer alternatives which can still lead to curious and new ways to perceive the unfolding of a series of days.

And so I am thinking about changing my life's opening, but at the moment I have no concrete ideas about what I should do. Having just completed an unusual opening by traveling to SE Asia for 4 months, I am wondering what else could be done. If I wanted to I could wake up tomorrow and start walking in a random direction and not return home for a week, seeing where my feet take me. Having just written that I now feel a flow of chilled energy surge through me, that choice of opening seems quite interesting and possible, it is just one of many things I could do tomorrow, yet I will most likely play 1 e4 and walk the lakeshore path for 2 hours, return home for lunch, nap, read, and make an entry here.

Time is short, I should not fear doing something out of the ordinary.

 Artifact, 1991

Artifact, 2004

Monk Life - Day 8

White skies with the air temperature in the 70's, which at this time of year would be cool, but this is the warmest it has been in weeks. I had a nice walk in the morning, decided not to do chess study today. Maybe I will diminish the amount of time I am spending on the sessions due to the fact I don't plan on playing major tournaments anytime soon. I do enjoy the meditative aspect of the study sessions, when I study a master chess game I feel I am getting a glimpse of an unusual meditation taking place on a 64 square board.

In the afternoon I walked to the nearby park and sat on a bench and read Confession of a Buddhist Atheist, then in the evening I went to Millennium Park and listened to a free classical music concert while reading more of the book.

Because I won't be able to keep the many boxes of photographs which I recently received from my ex-wife, I have decided to photograph as many as I can, hopefully one per day, and post them here so that after they are gone for good I can still look at some of them here on this site.

 Artifact, 1997

Monk Life - Day 7

Woke up this morning earlier than usual, which over the past few weeks has been getting later and later due to no sun and cold temperatures, but my consciouness sensed a blue sky and a visible sun and so I was out by 7:15am and even though I gaining weight due to winter-like climate I was able to run 4 miles, 3 miles at a faster than normal pace, my energy and a uncalled for joy carried me effortlessly along the lakeshore path. By the time I returned home the sky had been covered 100% by the airplane toxic materials and the sun was gone and the blue sky and wonderful colors of the earth had been obliterated.

My energy and joy dropped precipitously and I had the idea, which I have always known on a sub-conscious level, that the entire reason my life has been happy and good is for a simple reason - an unobstructed sun and a blue sky. All of my best memories revolve around this point, that even though I believe that the place where I was born and the body I am inhabiting is a function of a hell realm, what has kept me from despair and constant sorrow is the beauty of the environment. Many don't rely on, or need, or are even aware of this aspect of the hell realm, and therefore obtain their reason for being in other things, such as status, power, and wealth. The reason I do not desire these things, which exist strictly on a social and ideational level, is my focus on the feeling of harmony I have with the external natural world, hence my gravitation to writers such as Emerson and Thoreau, and the artists Van Gogh and Wolf Khan.

I am reminded of a film scene where a young man asks an old man who is homeless and bound to a wheelchair, "why do you go on, how do you not desire to just die?" The old man looks up at the handsome youth and smiles with a look of gratitude and says "look up, I see the sun shining, I go on living because of that." I understand the old man's sentiment, he has nothing, not even the use of his legs, yet he still gets joy from the sun and a clean blue sky.

Unfortunately I now find myself on a dying earth, nature and animals and birds and insects being destroyed daily, and along with it the sight of the sun, the warmth it gives, and the beauty of a clear sky. The scientists have destroyed the world with their inventions and now they are trying to save it with more inventions, but their ideas and plans are not working and the soul of the world goes on dying. There is no reason yet to change my belief that the place where my consciousness currently resides is a hell realm, and I guess it is only apt that I end my days here with little joy and energy, in a white cave of darkness.

Now at the library studying chess.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g63 Rubinstein/Tarrasch; g 64 Rubinstein/Hromadka

Monk Life - Day 6

First day of summer, longest day of the year, sky was completely white the entire day, rain, cold, windy, I stayed indoors and did not leave the condo. The earth is dying, a terminal cancer patient and the radical cure, dropping toxic materials into the sky to block the sun, is similar to a person taking chemo-radiation, poisoning the body in a last attempt to salvage a few extra breaths. There is no hope, nothing to wish for anymore. Death is coming, which is not unusual, but the odd thing is life and death will be no more after this generation is gone.

Monk Life - Day 5

Ran 2.5 miles under pure white toxic sky, not a particle of blue the entire day, and the temperature was in the 50's but felt like 40. Weather experimentation by the government is not only unethical, it is a colossal failure, it will not stop abrupt climate change and the toxicity of the method is going to dumb down and kill off all living things on the earth.

Walked to the library after the run and then in the evening I watched a Mozart concert at Millennium Park in the cold rain, the dusky sky glowing white and gray. The earth is no longer beautiful and it even has a foreign feel to it, as if I have been transported to another planet.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g62 Rubinstein/Bogoljubowg; g63 Rub/Tarrasch (J)

Monk Life - Day 3

Sky a pure white, cold, walked to the track and did some exercises, then walked to the library for chess study. When I left the library at 1:30pm I saw the sky was blue, first time in days, but in all directions the toxic materials dropped by airplanes could be seen. I slept for 3 hours when I got home, got up and read a few books, then fell asleep.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g61 Reti/Rubinstein (J)

Monk Life - Day 2

The days have been cold, the skies completely white, have not seen the sun in days, not even a speck of blue. These are the end days so I continue to sow peace inside my mind.

Due to lack of sun and warmth my energy has been flagging, most in this city of toxicity is undoubtedly filled with various ailments. I tried to run yesterday but failed due to the lack of sun and heat, today I wore winter clothing and willed myself to run 2 1/2 miles. Was too tired to walk to the library so slept for 3 hours in the afternoon. Took a walk in the evening and ended up going to the library without my chess set, I just wanted to wander about the books and checked out 4 books, 2 by Maugham and 2 by Jules Renard.

Meditated a short time today after my long nap, it is easier to do when I am don't have to follow a strict schedule. Incense arrived today, it will perhaps motivate me to meditate for longer periods of time because I like to time meditation sessions based on the burning of one stick.

Monk Life Re-start - Day 1

After 1 week of a very feeble attempt at following the monk schedule I created for myself, which was supposed to last for 3 months, I have decided to put an end to it. I am reminded of a schedule I made when I was a college student, which lasted about the same amount of time, I realized then that a schedule set in stone does not fit well with how I like to live my life, which is a constant monitoring of inner and outer life, and deciding each day how best to proceed. And so like then, today I give myself the freedom to cancel the schedule and to start fresh. I value freedom and if a schedule of my own making begins to feel like slavery, then I should acknowledge my mistake and  move on.

So what now? The point of the schedule was to put my mind more at ease, my inner life more in harmony with the external world. I see now that before the schedule I was living quite well, within and without, so although I am always searching for ways to grow more at peace, the old method of going from day to day and following the whims of the moment is fine and it works, so I will be returning to that for now. Running/walking in the mornings, chess study at the library at some point in the day, and if I feel the need, I have plenty of time to sit and meditate.

Perhaps sitting meditation is not that important to me in the present as it was 30 years ago, and if I think about it, back then I did not follow any schedule and my time spent sitting was minimal, what I really worked hard on was focusing on the breath at all hours of the day or night, with whatever I was doing. The sitting was more a luxury for me due to my limited time due to working and going to school full time, and yet this did not prevent me from having mind-shattering insights.

I have learned that there is no one way or right way to practice meditation and zen, each person has to figure out what brings harmony and peace, and then if the desire is there, to work on gaining more of it.

So I will be running and walking and studying chess and reading and eating and napping, all done when the timing is right. My schedule will be the no-schedule.

Monk Life - Day 6

I am having trouble adjusting my mind to the monk schedule. I now consider the smallest time spent meditating or doing prostrations to be a success. I have to look at this endeavor as not something pleasant and easy, but an activity which my mind rebels against and thus it is going to need a lot of will power to follow the schedule. I will remain positive and continue to try.

No library study today, the sky was white, gloomy, cold, I walked in the afternoon rain, it was all I could manage to do.

Monk Life - Day 5

Ran 4 miles in the morning then walked to the library for 4 hours of chess study. I had a breakthrough insight on my 4 mile walk after the run, I decided to make the damaged and dying sky a positive rather than a sad negative, and I decided to achieve this allowing the toxic white materials in the sky to remind me that death to all is imminent, and thus I need to focus my mind on my breath so that I may achieve inner clarity and peace. So the thing which so disturbs me is now going to be my meditation bell, and it being a daily constant, always there in the sky, will be the best tolling bell of all, bringing me back to the present moment, knowing that there will not be many moments left to come.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g60 Rubinstein/Spielmann (J)

Monk Life - Day 4

Flat gray sky with rain, cold, which made me stay indoors most of the day. Meditated one short session. In the late afternoon the sky turned blue and I went for a walk to the zoo. No library chess session today, but studied one game at home.

Read Nezhmetdinov's Best Games -

g4 Nezh/Konstantinov (J)

Monk Life - Day 3

Gray, cold white toxic sky. It seems odd to always be writing about the end of the earth, they dying of everything upon it being imminent, but I am not the only one, I was reading last night the Dalai Lama 2017 book A Call for Revolution, and in it he states the sames thing, that the earth is dying and unless there is a radical human revolution nothing can save it. Ah well, I guess the positive thing about this is I am trying my best to create an inner revolution within myself.

Ran 2 1/2 miles then meditated in the late morning, ate lunch, napped, then walked to the library for chess study.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g58 Thomas/Rubinstein; g59 Rubinstein/Alekhine(J)

Read GM Performance by Polugaevsky -

g20 Chikovani/Pol (J)

Monk Life - Day 2

Had a good first day of monk life, walking 6 miles in the morning followed by a short meditation session in the mid morning. I ordered incense sticks which should arrive next week, it will be easier to get into a timed meditation routine when sitting for the length of one burned stick.

After eating lunch and a nap I put in a second meditation session followed by a walk to the library and chess study session. I played Dmitry 3 games, the first game we started on move 9 from a Spanish closed variation (picking up from a Yates/Rubinstein game, 1922).

 I was looking through my collection of old photos and artifacts and found a painting I made -

 Artifact, 2000

Monk Life - Day 1

3 month Schedule :  June 11 - September 10, 2019

6:00am 6:30am - 30 minutes - wake/wash up
6:30am- 9:30am - 3 hours body exercising - running/walking
9:30am-11:30am - meditation practice
11:30am-1:00pm - daily meal
1:00-4:30pm - library chess study
4:30-5:30pm - meditation practice
5:30-7:30pm - light meal, rest
7:30-10:30pm - zen study/reading spiritual books


Individual conduct during 3 month schedule - 

1) No killing
2) No stealing
3) Speak the truth 
4) Moderation with food
5) Cultivate gratitude, kindness, and compassion
6) Give 100% effort in all endeavors 
7) Sexual abstinence

 
 

Full Time - Day 44

This will be the final entry for the Full Time title because I have decided to put my remaining free months to a different use. Today I will make a formal decision to follow a meditation schedule of my own making. I will post the schedule once I create it. The important part is to make a commitment and then watch what unfolds. Once a commitment is made the mind and will become determined to see it through. The time frame for the intial schedule will be 3 months, anything longer and circumstances might arrive to break up my time.

A very rare morning, a somewhat clear blue sky with true clouds, I ran 4 miles and on the walk back I darted up 2 flights of stairs at the Columbus/Wacker intersection, something I have not done in many years. I am not optimistic about the return of a blue sky, it is like a dying man getting a short reprieve of a feel-good day, short lived and an anomaly.

Both Rubinstein games today were elegant and superb.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g55 Wolf/Rubinstein; g56 Rubinstein/Tarrasch (J)

Full Time - Day 43

A stone cold day, flat white, something quite new to the earth experience. Was completely floored by the lack of sun and decided to stay indoors, no library study today, decided to test my studies by playing a series of g10's on Lichess, played decent, my sense of timing and piece placement is becoming more accurate and refined.

Stopped at blues fest in the evening at Millennium Park, heard good blues chops and then walked back home.

Full Time - Day 42

Walked in the early morning, the sky blue with no clouds, when the walk was over 90 minutes later 3/4 of the sky was covered in toxic materials dropped by airplanes. I have noticed that the covering always begins in the east, following the sun's path, if by design then the geo-engineers they have figured out a way to push the particles around and plan to always keep the sun covered in a gauzy white poison. I am trying my best not to feel too bad about the state of the earth, today I had the insight that the earth is a living thing which has ups and downs in health, the current state of its health is poor, a type of cancer which is eating away it's life slowly but surely. Like death with animals or people it has to be accepted, so I now think of those end days of the earth's health in the 1970's-80's as memories to cherish, when there were more animals and birds and bugs, when the sky was blue everyday with no airplane spraying, when walking around in the woods I could capture a bit of the vigor and health for myself. These days there is nothing to be gotten, it is like holding the hand of an old lady, nothing but stories of past lives and now it is just waiting for inevitable death.

Just finishing up library chess study now, a good session with interesting games.

g53 Rub/Tarrasch; g54 Rub/Telchmann (J)

Read GM Performance by Polugaevsky -

g19 Pol/Larsen (J)

Full Time Day 41

Ran 2.5 miles under a white sky and then walked to the library for chess study.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g51 Rubinstein/Marco; g52 Rubinstein/Maroczy (J)

Read Nezhmetdinov's Best Games -

g2 Korchmar/Nezh (J)

Full Time - Day 40

My birthday today, bought a piece of German chocolate cake before walking to the library. Sky was pure white, toxic, not a speck of blue anywhere. This part of the earth has become a cold mess from the geo-engineering experiment, does not really matter, everything is dying, and plain to see that humans are a drowning man grabbing at a straw which is not there.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g49 Rubinstein/Maroczy; g 50 Euwe/Rubinstein (J)

Full Time - Day 39

Nothing new, white toxic sky and cold day. Walked to library for chess study.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g47 Rubinstein/Tarrasch g48 Reti/Rubinstein(J)

utube chess - Polgar/Epishin 1996 -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1l-ARsNTHI

Read Nezhmetdinov's Best Games -

g1 - Samsonov/Nezh (J)

Full Time - Day 38

No chess study today, had a visit from my ex-wife Rachel, who wanted to wish me a happy birthday by taking me out to lunch, and also giving to me all of my film negatives and black and white photographic prints which I had been storing at her house for many years. Now I am stuck with 20 boxes of pictures and 10 binders filled with negs. Maybe I will make digital pics of some of the photos and post the artifacts here little by little.

The morning was white, cold, and toxic, filled with aluminum rain, after leaving the Indian restaurant in the early afternoon the rain had stopped and the sunlight tried to appear but the white skies persisted of course, at least a bit of warmth escaped into the day.

Full Time - Day 37

Ran 2.5 miles under a white toxic sky then walked to the library for chess study. One block before arriving at the library I was greeted by two young missionaries who asked if I would like to visit their church, I politely declined but did mention the story of having found the book Kisses from Katie while traveling in Indonesia. Once inside the library the usual few hours of chess study.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g45 Rubinstein/Schlecter; g46 Rubinstein/Schlecter (J)

Read GM Performance by Polugaevsky -

g18 Pol/Vasyukov (J)

Full Time - Day 36

Walked the Navy Pier route in the morning and then walked to the library for a chess study session. Rare day of blue sky, yet very cold for the month of June.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g43 Gottesduner/Rub' g44 Regedzinsky/Rub (J)

Read GM Performance by Polugaevsky -

g17 Balashov/Pol (J)

Full Time - Day 35

Ran 2.5 miles and then walked to the library for chess study, the entire day, from sun up to sun down was white, a white toxic sky and a white sun. No blue, no clouds, just a white screen of poison in the sky. The earth has become a dying hell.

Read Rubinstein's Chess Masterpieces -

g41 Factor/Rub; g42 Belitzmann/Rub (J)

Read GM Performance by Polugaevsky -

g15 Pol/Pfleger; g16 Pol/Gheorghiu (J)