My energy and joy dropped precipitously and I had the idea, which I have always known on a sub-conscious level, that the entire reason my life has been happy and good is for a simple reason - an unobstructed sun and a blue sky. All of my best memories revolve around this point, that even though I believe that the place where I was born and the body I am inhabiting is a function of a hell realm, what has kept me from despair and constant sorrow is the beauty of the environment. Many don't rely on, or need, or are even aware of this aspect of the hell realm, and therefore obtain their reason for being in other things, such as status, power, and wealth. The reason I do not desire these things, which exist strictly on a social and ideational level, is my focus on the feeling of harmony I have with the external natural world, hence my gravitation to writers such as Emerson and Thoreau, and the artists Van Gogh and Wolf Khan.
I am reminded of a film scene where a young man asks an old man who is homeless and bound to a wheelchair, "why do you go on, how do you not desire to just die?" The old man looks up at the handsome youth and smiles with a look of gratitude and says "look up, I see the sun shining, I go on living because of that." I understand the old man's sentiment, he has nothing, not even the use of his legs, yet he still gets joy from the sun and a clean blue sky.
Unfortunately I now find myself on a dying earth, nature and animals and birds and insects being destroyed daily, and along with it the sight of the sun, the warmth it gives, and the beauty of a clear sky. The scientists have destroyed the world with their inventions and now they are trying to save it with more inventions, but their ideas and plans are not working and the soul of the world goes on dying. There is no reason yet to change my belief that the place where my consciousness currently resides is a hell realm, and I guess it is only apt that I end my days here with little joy and energy, in a white cave of darkness.
Now at the library studying chess.