Woke at dawn and
packed my bag, left two of my books behind (Maugham and Krishnamurti)
and cleaned the room a bit. When I walked the trash bag out to the
disposal area I surprisingly saw the owner of the apartment, Eka,
emerge from one of the units, she had been waiting for me because she
had in her hand a bottle of water and some food to give to me for my
day’s journey. I accepted the water but told her I did not need the
food. I have an impression that she had been hoping to create a
friendship which unfortunately I have trouble reciprocating with most
people I meet. Not only do I feel a barrier which is hard enough to
transgress but the way I live my life is so far from how an average
person views reality that the gap is too wide to bridge. I spent
many moments this month trying to figure out a way to repay Eka’s
kindness and the main idea which appeared, inviting her to lunch, is
something which gives me no pleasure and once I start making
compromises in order to bond with someone it won’t be long before
the connection breaks. The only people I would care to be friends
with are one’s whom I sense live similarly to me. There is also
the fact that I love my own company and even though I appear to have
an ease with the written word, both reading and writing, speaking is
tiresome and it is easy to say something which offends and insults
someone without being aware of it. Why bother unless it is a
necessity. And so I try to act as kindly to people as I can and the
only thing someone could say of my not being pleasant is that I
prefer to walk alone rather than in the company of others. Eka has no
clue this is the reality I have created for myself and so while she
may have been left with an odd impression of disappointment, I am
hoping she feels that it is nothing personal and that friendship in
this hell of a world is a rare thing to come into possession of.
